It never ceases to amaze me how many of us are allowing our fear to control us. I was going to use the word hate instead of fear but hate is often the product of fear and pain. I will hear a person talk about someone that has consistently hurt them over years, decades, and every time they say the same thing. “I am never going to be like that!” “I will never treat people the way he treated me!” “I will never behave like her!” Yet in the next breath that same person will spew out such anger and hate towards someone else that I feel as if I am looking at a reflection of the person they just swore never to be. They also will triangulate and bully, attempting to manipulate others, exactly in the same fashion as the person they love to hate. Why are we so blind to our patterns? Why is denial such a trusted companion? Why is it so much easier to point out someone else’s faults than to focus on our own? Why are we such control freaks?
What disturbs me the most is the people who seem hellbent on creating more chaos and pain in this world instead of accepting their personal amount and dealing with it appropriately. I consistently see this pattern in kindergarteners. They quickly want to blame another for any discomfort they may have. We’re supposed to grow out of that mentality and recognize we can only control ourselves, not others, and in turn we must take responsibility for our own behavior. Ask yourself this question. “Who or what is driving me absolutely crazy and why am I allowing this to control my life?” Then determine how much time and energy you waste trying to control all of the people and things that drive you bonkers.
The sooner we realize that we have absolutely no authority over other adults, the better our lives will be. I’m not always cognizant of how much I am trying to manipulate and influence others to bend to my will, which is exactly the behavior I have HATED in the most difficult people I’ve been around. If I feel hatred for another person it’s time to look at my own reflection, as the great novelist and painter Herman Hesse said, “If you hate a person you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
So, as I reminded my students today, “You are in charge of yourself, not your friends, not your neighbors, or anyone else! Now go on with the rest of your day and please, make good choices. You are the one who has to live with yourself and the consequences of every decision you make!”
Seasons of the Soul 