Planks and Splinters

I’ve had a lot of years, even decades, filled with joy and life.

The past twelve months have been more about difficulties and death, such as finally losing my dad in February after a long battle with Alzheimer’s, almost losing Mike’s mom in the spring of ‘21, having her move in with us and now her passing on June 24, 2022, just a couple of weeks after taking her on her dream cruise to Alaska.

It’s been quite a year.

As I’ve been reflecting on death, I’ve been examining my own heart. I have heard a lot of Christians through the years talk about how fearful they are of their loved ones not going to heaven because they haven’t gone to church or prayed the sinner’s prayer.

I used to have that same fear, until I started scratching the surface of learning just how big God’s love is.

Knowing how much I love my own kids and grandkids, and that I would do anything, absolutely anything to ensure their safety and salvation, and then coming to the understanding that my love is a drop in a bucket compared to God’s ocean of love.

This week I’ve been asking myself, “Who do I really want in heaven?” And the answer made me realize I have a long way to go before I love like God loves.

How much time do we spend deciding who is worthy of salvation? Hitler is usually where most of us draw the line…surely you can’t torture and kill millions and still be forgiven! Yet as I get older and think more about my own expiration date, I remember Jesus’s words more often.

““Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Matthew 7:1-2

Do I want to be judged according to how I judge? I better quit judging then! In fact, if I am to be more like Jesus, shouldn’t I want everyone, every one, to experience salvation? If I am holding even an ounce of hate in my heart for another, I am not loving like Jesus does. He who hung on a cross and begged, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Do I always know what I’m doing and why? Will I want to try to justify my actions when I stand before God or will I fall to my knees weeping, or just simply run into his arms?

Back to the previous question, who do I really WANT in heaven? If the answer is anything but “everything and everyone,” I am not loving enough.

I am not loving like God loves.

So maybe I need to read the next few verses of Matthew 7 and make them my focus instead of worrying about anyone else’s salvation.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Matthew 7:3-5

Remember, if we feel afraid for our loved ones, fear is never of God. We must pray, for them and for ourselves. We must focus on loving ourselves and others better each day.

There will never come a day in this lifetime when I love as perfectly as God does…so that means the plank in my eye will always be there as I live and breathe, which means I will never have time to worry about someone else’s splinter!

Transformation over Transaction

I just attended the funeral of a friend gone much too soon. One of the scripture passages read really got me thinking. In Matthew 20:1-16 Jesus tells the parable of the landowner who hires workers for the vineyard at different times of the day yet pays them all the same amount. The workers who were hired first are upset they weren’t paid more than the others and the landowner answers “are you envious because I’m generous?”

This got me thinking about us Christians who have spent a lot of time trying to do what’s right, going often to church, giving our energy to others, and making choices we think God would be proud of. We then sometimes focus our attention on others who may or may not be “living in the light” and we worry about their standing with God.

Is that really our job? When we look at someone else’s life and assess it, doesn’t that qualify as judging? We are so good at fooling ourselves that we believe our assessment of others is out of concern for them, but it often helps us feel better about our own position.

God loves the world and everyone and everything in it much more than we do, and God sees our righteousness as “filthy rags.” No one, not one of us is better than another in God’s eyes. Believer or not, God sees us and loves us equally. While we may feel secure in our acknowledgement of God’s sovereignty in our lives, we need to remember humility. Only God knows the heart of a person, and religion has nothing to do with it. He is capable of saving all without my help or even my opinion, so maybe I should concentrate more on loving the way God loves.

Do I even want everyone to be saved? It’s an honest question. Do I want people who have been horrible on earth to be equal with me in heaven? Shouldn’t they get punished? I’ve seen so many awful FB posts by proclaimed Christians clamoring for public executions of criminals. Does God rejoice in our hatred of others?

Truth is, I am much like the workers in Jesus’s parable who were hired early in the day, I’m upset others who might not be working as long or as hard as me will get the same reward. I’m also ready to cry “not fair!” when God forgives someone who I see as unforgivable.

That’s because our way of thinking is based on transaction, not transformation. We’re always calculating, measuring, and building hierarchical lists. God’s thinking is based on love. This is why we must be “transformed by the renewing of our minds,” instead of conforming to our old patterns of transactions and hierarchy. It’s a daily struggle, and can only happen when love rules our hearts and minds.

Love cancels judgement and desires redemption for all. There is no fear when we love like God loves, therefore I don’t need to worry about others’ salvation, I just need to love them the way that God loves us all.

Money Didn’t Make the Man

My memories of Dad are fading and he’s still physically here. I’m so glad I started this blog when I did and wrote down my most vivid memories before they escaped from my mind, but I can’t help feeling lost and befuddled that that’s all I came up with. You spend years, decades, loving a person, spending countless moments together, and the brain only recalls a dozen or so. What I’m left with now is a feeling of loss. I’ve emotionally and mentally lost my dad as well as the feeling of security that he gave to his family. He always took care of us. He had a positive outlook and a grandiose sense of self, so his confidence made us feel like the future would be okay. Finances wouldn’t be a problem, trips all over the world would always be a possibility, worry wouldn’t rob us of joy and peace.

Now reality has hit me. While it was awesome to grow up with that kind of safety and security, his failing mind led to some bad decisions the last decade and the rest of us no longer have the assurance of financial stability. Welcome to the real world at 50!

My teacher’s salary is more important than I ever dreamed it would be.

I guess the best lesson for me in all of this is money didn’t make the man. The man made money, but he made a lot of other things too. He made us laugh till we cried, he made us frustrated with his stubbornness, he made us listen to his stories until we couldn’t forget them even if we wanted to, he made us go on fantastic trips together, he made so many people happy, and angry, and relieved, and exasperated, etc! Money didn’t create the love we have as a family. Money didn’t give us faith or happiness or contentment. It wasn’t what kept my parents’ marriage strong. It did help us have fun taking trips together and kept us from worrying for a few decades, but all the best things in our lives didn’t come from the money. The best things in our lives have come from our faith, our love, our hope, and our commitments to God and to each other. That’s what King Jon gave us, and it’s worth infinitely more than silver or gold.

No Guarantees

Thank you to all who have reached out with an outpouring of love and encouragement. I have received texts, FB and blog messages, and phone calls from friends and family both far and near. I can’t express how humbling and comforting it is to know people are actually reading this blog and are moved by what I write.

I’ve been crying a lot the past two days. Daddy has been ill for so long but I’ve never allowed myself to feel the sorrow…I have so much to be thankful for and he’s had such a wonderful life. This is the way of things. Still, the grief wells up from the pit of my stomach and overwhelms my lungs, my eyes. Wracking sobs…I am an ugly crier, hits me in random places…the grocery store parking lot, the bathtub, at a stop light. The source of this sadness is complex. Yes it’s triggered by my dad’s condition. To see a “larger than life” person whose creativity and brilliance I’ve admired and adored become an immobile infant who doesn’t recognize me is enough to cause pain. But to combine that with the stark possibility that as I’m looking at my dad stuck in that bed, I am gazing into my own future. Fast forward 20 or 30 years, will that be me? Will I have spent my alert and coherent years on earth wisely? Will I have written down honest thoughts and feelings, shared my heart freely, composed the music that flows in my veins and done all I can do to give these songs and stories life beyond my own, or will I have squandered it with laziness, blaming others, distractions that keep me from discovering the truth of who I am created to be, petty misunderstandings that keep me from the people that I love and love me most?

Heavy questions we all should ask of ourselves. There are no guarantees. What’s ironic is while yes the probability of Alzheimer’s being my destiny is significant, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!

We can’t spend too much time worrying about the uncontrollable factors in our lives, we must focus on what is in our own hands and leave the rest in God’s.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:18‬ ‭NIV‬‬