Is the World Getting Meaner?

Is the world getting meaner or is my perception of it changing?

I grew up in a bubble of love and laughter, with a lot of denial and avoidance of negativity and discourse. Dad’s unspoken philosophy was “as long as we’re laughing together we’re close and everything’s ok!”

I have to admit it was a pretty effective strategy. It wasn’t until I was well into my twenties when my first therapist pointed out laughter is fun and can be a wonderful thing, AND it is not the equivalent of intimacy. To have deep and meaningful relationships, we must be vulnerable with each other and vulnerability means knowing and showing our true selves, risking disagreements and even arguments. However, if the only kind of discourse we’ve experienced is out of control, disrespectful, and even emotionally mentally or physically abusive, it’s no wonder we often gravitate towards avoidance and positivity.

As I’ve grown in understanding and age, I’ve learned healthy communication involves clear boundaries, mutual respect, and trust. With these agreements in place, disagreements and arguments can be safely experienced.

As I’ve mentioned in some of my previous posts, I grew up in the shadow of an emotionally volatile person who was a few years older than me. She was at once both beautiful and talented and unpredictable and manipulative. At times she was kind and actually extravagant in her giving, and at other times hateful and explosive. I learned early on to “walk on eggshells” and “tap dance” my way into her good graces. She was both my idol and the source of my greatest anxiety and fear.

As most of us do, I carried much of what I learned in my family of origin to my new, young family. When our boys argued and fought I became frightened and irate, forbidding such behavior probably to the point of stifling their personal feelings and opinions. The cohesiveness and happiness of our family unit was more important than personal expression.

We can’t teach what we don’t know.

I didn’t know how to navigate anger and conflict so how could I teach it to my children?

I’m learning how to disagree with those I love. It’s scary. I’m in healthier, safer relationships and discovering we can actually learn from our disagreements when we discuss them with respect.

So, back to my question, is the world getting meaner? Maybe it is in some ways. I think the pandemic ironically brought us further to the edge of our mental and emotional well being than our physical health. Polarizing politics, social media, the internet, climate change, and what seems to be an excessive amount of natural disasters have exacerbated an already fragile environment. However, I think my perception has changed more than the world has. Any short history lesson will show the hatred of humankind has always existed.

In my understanding, hate isn’t even a primary emotion.

Hate is a reaction to a deep seated feeling of either fear or betrayal which at its core is grief.

So instead of asking the question “is the world meaner,” we each would learn more by asking “Am I kinder than I used to be?” Now that’s worth asking, because when we ask ourselves this question we can honestly evaluate our own feelings and behaviors and if we find ourselves lacking in love, humility, joy, curiosity, openness, compassion, and empathy, we can do better, and if enough of us do this, the world will truly be a better place.

Enough

Life is weird. If I waited to write something brilliant and unique I would never write anything at all. Still, life is weird, as dumb and infantile as that sounds.

Just to be clear, I love God. I believe Jesus is the Son of God and is God in flesh. I believe in the Spirit who is like the wind and blows wherever it pleases. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t know much of anything. God is love and I’ve been learning to love my whole life. I’m getting better at it and I’m still learning.

I love my mom. My first memories of being cherished and loved are from being her daughter. How lucky am I?

I love Mike. He is the first person that showed me love beyond my understanding. For some reason he loved me no matter what. Ten years in we got to that dark place of no return. We got gut level honest and said no more pretending, no more lies. We somehow walked barefoot over the flaming hot coals and made it through. I wouldn’t have ever understood that kind of love without him. He started it. I followed.

I love my kids. Ever since I was a kid myself I dreamed of having children. I wanted boys. I am so eternally thankful I got to be mom to my three boys.

Dillon made me a mom. He was difficult. He made me face the truth of what I wanted in life. He is my first and made the dreams fade to reality. No sleep, frustration, irritation, annoyance, exhaustion, sheer joy, raw love, total vulnerability. Now I rely on him for so much more than he ever relied on me.

Keenan reminded me I was right. Kids are worth it. Joy is in watching an infant learn to focus on their hand for even one second. Love is messy and imperfect and amazing and bigger than anything else. Now I continue to learn from his wisdom and caring heart.

Tristan was the confirmation. Mike and I had been through the fire and chose each other. Tristan was our gift for becoming vulnerable and choosing to love each other no matter what. I finally cared more about enjoying each moment instead of making sure every speck was cleaned. I continue to learn from his creativity and open spirit.

I love my grandchildren. They are the fulfillment of a lifetime of love I have witnessed with my grandparents, parents and am still experiencing with Mike. And it’s true, being a grandparent is freaking amazing!

I love children. I love my students. Each is unique and special. I see the touch of God on each one of them. I just hope they see it someday too.

Life is weird. Love is weirder. I don’t know much, but I know love really does cover everything. It covers failure. It covers fear. It covers judgment. It covers hate. It covers sin and regret and guilt.

God is love and Love is enough.

The Names of God

Throughout many centuries in many countries there have been patriarchal societies that have viewed women as lesser, sometimes even as property owned by men. Some Christian denominations still use scripture to “keep women in their place.”

As a Christian woman who has felt beloved by God since I was a small child, yet been confused and sometimes belittled by the patriarchal nature of organized religion, it has helped me to remember God is not limited to gender and is fully both my heavenly mother and father.

God is also three in one so I now often try to use They/Them or even refrain from pronouns completely and use God, Maker, Creator, I Am, YHWH. It broadens my thinking and gives more mystery and respect to my Maker…whose form, depth, and capabilities I cannot comprehend with my finite mind. In fact, God is bigger and broader than my understanding, and is as Ephesians 4:6 says, “over all and through all and in all.”

In all.

Regardless of how I see others, or how I view the world around me, God is in all. This demands reverence and respect. If I take this seriously, everything and everyone around me deserves to be regarded as holy and treated with respect, there is no hierarchy of importance in God, all are equally precious.

Though I am incapable of comprehending God, I believe God fully understands my heart as a woman every bit as much as my Creator understands any man’s. Sometimes I call God YHWH which has been likened to our very breath, in and out, YHWH.

Sometimes I pray to the mothering side of God, for She knows and understands every part of me. Sometimes I pray to Father God, especially when I’m missing my earthly dad.

God is love. “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:8 Scripture tells us this over and over again in multiple books of the Bible. This means God’s name is Love. This brings me to the age old question of what is love?

We have 1 Corinthians 13 as a beautiful biblical definition, yet we struggle comprehending love as much as we struggle comprehending God. I’m currently reading Bell Hooks book, All About Love, and in it she reminded me of Dr Scott Peck’s definition of love in his bestselling The Road Less Traveled. “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” And “When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion – through the fact that for that someone (or for ourself) we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.”

I’ve recently begun to call God by the name of Love. It helps me focus on God’s very purpose for all of us.

Love, who art in heaven hallowed be Thy name!Love’s kingdom come Love’s will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Love, give us this day our daily bread and forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Love, lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

God is Love. Love is demonstrative and effortful. Love is nurturing and the will to extend one’s self for another’s growth and well being, and of course,“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Regardless of what you or I call God, God is beyond our definitions, YHWH is bigger than our understanding, the Creator is more than we know, I Am is in all. In every cell, every molecule, every atom of every thing. For me, this knowledge gives even deeper meaning to Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

You’re My Heart

Our 4 year old grandson James and his father (our son) read a book a few month ago that talked about how important the heart is to the body as it pumps blood to all areas, keeping them alive and thriving. Ever since reading the book, James has been telling those of us he loves, “You’re my heart. The heart pumps blood to the body. I love you the most.”

I’d been mulling over James’ words for weeks and finally put them in a song while on an airplane from New York City to Chicago.

You’re my heart, as you are

From the moment I saw you

I love you the most, You’re my heart

Never fear, I am here

Close your eyes, feel it beating

I love you the most, You’re my heart

A lifetime goes by in the blink of an eye

And the people we love make us glad we’re alive

No matter what happens, whatever may come

You’ll be with me always, my sweet precious one

Don’t forget, no regrets

Sing the words as you feel them

I love you the most, You’re my heart.

You’re my heart, the best part

You’re what keeps this love flowing

I love you the most, You’re my heart

Always together, I love you forever

I love you the most, You’re my heart.

James says what he feels. He doesn’t waste time holding things in. Sure he says it to each one of us at different times, but he means it when he says it. They’re not just words. James is sharing his heart with each one of us and we are so privileged to be the recipients of his love.

Oh if only we all could say what we feel in the limited moments we have with each other. Who do you want to reach out to with love, kindness, and grace? Do it today! Now is the time to say what you feel, for in this lifetime there are no guarantees. Use the time you have to speak your truth in love.

Of Books, Bishops and Beatitudes

Thanks to a dear friend, I’m currently reading Rachel Held Evans’ 2010 book, Faith Unraveled and I feel such a kinship! I too grew up in a loving Christian home with intelligent people striving to prove our faith to a lost world. We devoured Lee Strobel, Ravi Zacharias, Josh McDowell, and the likes. Our second bible was CS Lewis’s Mere Christianity.

I was fortunate that my dad was a seeker and not afraid of my doubts and questions. We had many conversations about other faiths and both of us rested in the belief that God is Love, therefore wherever and in whomever genuine love resides regardless of status, religion, gender, culture, or race, God dwells. This belief is my foundation, the very reason I didn’t reject Christianity entirely, and, as I read it, the New Testament upholds this with Jesus’s own teachings.

Jesus turns conservative, capitalistic fundamentalism on its head. There simply is no way to make the beatitudes a defense for the blessedness of nationalism, capitalism and the health wealth gospel. The poor, meek, broken-hearted, the merciful, the pure in heart and the peacemakers…these shall inherit the earth. We are to love our enemies and turn the other cheek, pray behind closed doors in secret, and give away our possessions. We are to be Jesus’s hands and feet, to be the salt of the earth, to share the good news that God loves the world! The message is clear…love love love! Let us weigh every action against love to see if it is of God. Too many times I have listened to my own or others’ fears and called them God’s will.

My friend Michelle is experiencing Les Miserables Live on stage in Nashville this evening. Earlier today she and I were discussing Inspector Javert and how he could not conceive of the concept of grace. He put the law above all else and could not accept anything but dualism….”this is good and that is bad”, “I am right therefore you are wrong,”etc. Javert is a perfect example of what most humans think righteousness looks like, yet Jean Valjean is the one who radiates compassion and love (God’s heart) after he accepted the grace he was shown by Bishop Myriel.

As I was reading Evan’s account of her disillusionment with the church a steady stream of tears began to roll down my cheeks. I love my heritage, I love the people I grew up with, I love singing praise and worship music, and I love our world, I believe in civil rights and equality, and that God is bigger than my comprehension. God is bigger than my understanding, bigger than the Bible, than the church and its many leaders and congregations, God is greater than all of these. God is not limited to our religious boundaries and rules, and any time I find myself getting confused by the different voices here claiming to be the only truth, I ask myself…Is this voice one of Love, Compassion, and Grace? If not then it is not of God no matter how holy it seems.

Everything and everyone from books to bishops must be examined and weighed against Love.

The Beatitudes

He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:2-16 NIV

And

The end of 2022 is hours away and I have been formulating this post in my head for over a week.

I’m beginning to live in the space of a word that I learned in kindergarten. It was one of the first words I knew how to read and spell, but it’s taken me my whole life to even begin to grasp its true power. For so many years I’ve lived with an either or thinking and but mentality. Years ago my therapist told me to use the word “but” sparingly because it negates whatever words that come before it. “I love you but… You did a great job but… Thank you for your kindness but…”. Why do we have such a desire for dualism? Black or white with no room for grey, right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad, etc.? This kind of dualism leads to living in rigid scarcity instead of where I want to live…in open abundance!

This holiday season I am happy AND sad at the same time, grateful for my husband, kids, grandkids, friends, mom, and this present time of being a music teacher, an empty nester, a grandma, and a composer, AND I’m missing my dad, my mother in law, and the way things used to be.

My word for the new year is the simply spelled with complex meaning “and.”

I’m going to try to rid myself of buts and live in the complexity of ands.

I am a loving person and I sometimes let my fears rule me.

I am disciplined and spontaneous. I am creative and detailed,

I can be kind and I can be judgmental.

l am human and I am divine.

AND that is beautiful AND holy.

I think one of our biggest lessons to learn in this life is how to hold seemingly opposing feelings, views, thoughts, etc. and accept them all as truth.

Wholly holy truth. AND I will keep striving to live in the uncomfortable place of multiple feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

I follow Jesus’s teaching and I do not identify with a religious institution.

I love my family and I disagree with them on some issues.

I love God and I am learning I know very little about Them.

I am glad 2022 is almost over and I learned so much this year because of the sadness and pain it brought.

As I look forward to 2023, I know I will face new challenges and experience new joys. They go hand in hand.

Happy New Year AND

what is your word of focus for the coming year?

It’s Me

There is a balance to most things of value, yet we are decidedly unbalanced ourselves.

We love living in packs, probably so we know who will have our backs and who our enemies are. It started as a matter of survival but has become a hindrance, often leading to our personal stagnation. Living with a scarcity mindset we tend to only change sides after we’ve secured a place in another camp, much like our vine swinging ancestors, and we rarely take the time to think through who and where we are, who and where we want to be, and what steps it would take to get there.

We think it’s selfish to think of ourselves yet when we don’t, our brains stay in survival mode and ironically think of nothing else. We run forward, always afraid of the judgement and condemnation chasing us, not realizing we carry it within our own psyches. We will do anything to keep the judgement at bay, even throw our loved ones under the bus just to run to the next resting place, yet there is never rest until we face the truth of who we are. Yes, I am flawed. I fail…at tasks, at work, at relationships, at life…and so do you. No more running. No more blaming. As Taylor Swift has so aptly said in her most recent collection of songs, “It’s me.”

The sooner we face this truth the healthier we will be. This is the path to self-love which leads to authentic love of others. To be able to balance conviction and responsibility with acceptance and grace is the formula to genuine love of self and others. There is not another human being on this earth that will completely fulfill your every need and understand your every thought and feeling. Lasting relationships come from a lot of hard work that most people don’t want to do, so they keep searching for “the one.” Fortunately “the one” is within, not without. We must love ourselves enough to quit looking to others for affirmation.

As Oscar Wilde said, “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

I am my own worst enemy when I am denying my weaknesses. Yet as I stand and face the dark truth of all of my failed relationships I finally accept responsibility for all of it and freedom is mine.

“Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.” Steve Maraboli

Radical Love

I grew up hearing the scripture, Revelation 3:15-16 , “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

As a teenager it meant I could not allow complacency to enter into my heart and mind. I needed to be zealous in my defense of the gospel. God forbid I should be accused of being lukewarm! I began reading Christian apologetics so I could logically argue with atheists and people of other faiths, to prove the inerrancy of scripture and the truth of conservative evangelical Christendom.

Ironically my studies began to stir my heart and raise more questions about the truth of the universe and our Creator. As I grew in knowledge I began to understand how little I understood, how small my comprehension was, and is. I learned the great truth professed by the best minds throughout time, “The more I learn the less I know.” Paradox (seemingly incongruent thoughts or happenings that can both be accurate) became one of my most reliable tests of truth. It was in this confusion I began to trust in the Love who made me, instead of trying to capture that Love with scriptures and throw It in a box tied tightly with lovely ribbon.

I began to see the dangers of dualistic thinking, it’s me against you, us versus them, black or white, hot or cold, with no room for the in between. Doubt became a sobering friend who reminded me to question everything. As Jung said, “Fanaticism is repressed doubt.” I remembered scriptures such as 2 Corinthians 11:14 “Satan comes as an angel of light,” and ““Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” Matthew 7:15.

I found myself becoming paranoid and distrustful of all. A zealot on the other side, out of balance yet again.

That’s when I vowed to be a moderate in all things except one. Love. God is Love. Love is never wrong.

But I’m still not very good at it.

I still judge too harshly, I still run from those who are difficult to love. I still hide out in my safe haven of family, friends, home, the familiar. My wounds still throb with pain and beckon me to “fight or fly.”

But I’m trying, and I recognize my ugly tendency of dualism which really is just a humanistic primal instinct of survival. I long to become Divine. To love the world so much I would give up myself and everything I hold dear to save it…to save even one.

That’s not lukewarm. That’s not moderate. That’s radical life changing mind blowing Love. That’s God.

A Fresh Start…

I read a book years ago called The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. In it Dr Peale proposed that our thoughts significantly direct our actions and therefore impact our circumstances.

One of my favorite quotes is below:

“Personally, I believe that prayer is a sending out of vibrations from one person to another and to God. All of the universe is in vibration. There are vibrations in the molecules of a table. The air is filled with vibrations. The reaction between human beings is also in vibration. When you send out a prayer for another person, you employ the force inherent in a spiritual universe. You transport from yourself to the other person a sense of love, helpfulness, support—a sympathetic, powerful understanding—and in this process you awaken vibrations in the universe through which God brings to pass the good objectives prayed for.”

I still believe in the principles of that book. I witnessed the opposite of it firsthand as my mother-in-law lived with us for over a year. She generated so much negative thought and energy that it hung about our whole living space like a suffocating cloud. Now I’m not saying she wasn’t justified in her depression and anger. She had much in her life that brought great sadness and frustration, but don’t we all. I loved her dearly, but found myself avoiding going home to the dark void of a house I once loved and felt safe in. Even after her death in June, I had to have a cleansing ceremony of her room quoting scriptures burning dried hyssop and singing songs of praise, claiming my house back for the fruits of the Spirit. I repainted the walls, got rid of furniture and bought new. The room is fresh and clean spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

What you think about matters. There is an ancient quote “What you think, you become.” We can have the greatest intentions yet completely miss having a positive impact. For example, if I am constantly thinking about the injustices in this world and feeling angry toward those who oppose my opinions, then I am filling myself with negative energy and will only have that to put back out into the world. This is why it is so important if we feel passionately about something we must turn it into positive thought and action.

We must begin to focus on what we can do for change instead of on all the things that need to be changed. This is the difference between negative and positive energy and it is a force to be reckoned with like an invisible shield or aura around each of us. I believe we each are contributing to the emotional and mental health of everything around us. Our intentions may be honorable and good but if the focus is on scarcity, injustice, and unfairness, that is exactly what our contribution to the world becomes.

It seems this is even more true in this world of social media. It’s so easy to sit at home and post opinions against those we oppose on the World Wide Web, and somehow feel we’ve accomplished something worthwhile. What if we all began seeing each instagram, FB post, or tweet as an extension of ourselves, our very hearts, maybe we would choose to put forth more positive energy wherever we are. Instead of posting a sarcastic statement mocking those who have a differing view, strive to put forth something that uplifts others in truth and love.

The Bible has multiple scriptures telling us to “set our mind” on things above, on love, joy, etc. My favorite is Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

What ever we set our minds on, we become.

If we fix our minds on anger, hate, opposition, criticism, judgement, condemnation, and justification, that is what we will exude wherever we are.

Personally, I want to be conscious and intentional with my thoughts. My desire is to become more loving, more kind. I want to be a source of joy and peace to others, I want to show patience and understanding, gentleness and faithfulness, and as I teach elementary children, I want to demonstrate self control and give hope. Then I must set my mind on all of these things. It’s time for renewal and cleansing. Let us begin anew, a fresh start.

Beloved Always

Nobody can prepare you for how you’re going to feel when transitions occur. Plenty of us talk about them and may even make plans for handling such changes but there’s no guidebook for how to handle the feelings that arise.

I once had a very noisy house full of boys and all of their friends, with two or more dogs, and I loved it. There were scratches and water spots on tables, spills on carpets, dings and gashes on doors left from rowdy plastic sword fights and thrown toys, and it didn’t matter. At that time I knew one day there would be peace and quiet and I might miss the mayhem. But I had no idea how lonely and depressed I would feel.

Add some aging and dying parents to that and you have a full welcome to your fifties!

I had an epiphany today. My recurring frustration with God has been that They(God) don’t do as good of a job at protecting their kids (us) as I think they should. We’re called to be like little children but then life is positively brutal.

I would never treat my kids like this. Tell them to be open and vulnerable and then allow tornadoes, floods, and predators to randomly attack. I’ve cried so many tears, yelling at God, why? Why do you leave us like this?

So I parented differently.

I played and sang and told stories and encouraged. I baked cookies and kept the house clean with good smells and comforting music. I tried to wrap my kids up in love and safety and joy and family like a cuddly blanket.

But somehow pain entered their hearts anyway. Somehow life hurt them and I was incapable of protecting them from its harsh blows. Today I felt comforted by Mother God, who knew all along I had set myself up for failure. Like a defiant teenager I had declared I could do it better than my Parents.

And I couldn’t.

I did not and could not protect my kids from pain.

And the lesson for me is, pain is the best teacher. We learn more through suffering than we could ever learn through safety. The people I love most on this earth are Mike and my boys, and love wants loved ones to learn and grow.

I guess that means God is right.

Life has to be painful for us to learn and grow…and They weep with us in our pain, They cheer for us in our learning, They love us every second, through it all.

Beloved.

That is my name.

That is your name.

No matter your choices, your scars, your pain, your successes, your joys…

Beloved yesterday, today, tomorrow.

Beloved always.