Thought for the Day

EnneaThought® for the Day(from The Enneagram Institute)

Type Four EnneaThought®

Universal Inner Work insight: When we are working on ourselves, we may feel compassionate and strong, patient and wise, indomitable and of great value. This is who we actually are. It is the “I” beyond name, without personality—our True Nature. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 37)

I rarely feel the above. Two days ago I did in its fullest. I was with my tribe of women, we call our group Tipsy Talks(you know who you are), and somebody mentioned how my boys struggled with the degree of emotions I had as they were growing up. I felt nothing but love and compassion and acceptance. Yes! My boys suffered some trauma from my emotional outbursts. I’m sorry they did, and I can’t do anything to correct it. I’m glad they still realize how much I love them, have always loved them.

As a deep feeler, I must say, what a beautiful feeling it is to own the truth of who I am. I am a flawed human. I have deeply hurt those I love most. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve added to your already burdened life. AND…I know it was the best I could do in the moment. I love you and am striving for better every day.

As we talked more about it I was able to rationally think through the emotions I threw onto my kids and just thank God I didn’t yell profanity or physically abuse them in any way. Sheesh. Life is hard. Motherhood is impossible. Yet somehow we do it anyway.

I of course wish I could’ve been a perfect mom. We know this is unattainable. I’m so glad I was a loving mom. My boys know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Am I still over-emotional? Yep. I’m thankful I’m surrounded by people who love me anyway AND I’m still working on loving and accepting myself so my emotions don’t end up exploding onto others.

Mental and emotional growth can be measured by our acceptance of reality. As we learn to own our pain and our failings objectively we can then let go of them and move forward. When we deny our faults and mistakes we also deny our growth and the potential intimacy we can experience with our loved ones.

This is why I love the Enneagram. The deeper we study the more we learn that our number can be the false self we hide behind. As we learn our true nature and begin to accept ourselves the way the Divine does, our greatest weaknesses become our greatest strengths. (And if you haven’t guessed, this is why I used the ugliest most honest picture of me I could find. That’s me at my core. And I love her just the way she is😂)

Church

I went to church today, just like I do everyday.

The light pouring through the geometric shards above created such vibrant colors.

The Spirit whirled around me, giving me breath, peace, restoration.

The stillness called for me to bow my head in quiet reverence and gratitude.

My companion’s steady presence reminded me of God’s love, always walking with me, enveloping me.

The beautiful music was both joyful and mournful, celebrating all the nuances of life, as joy and sorrow cannot be felt without the understanding of the other.

I was in the presence of the Lord and I felt beloved.

This is the sacred place, my church, where I am accepted as I am and welcomed with open arms.

No wonder why I begin every day here in this holy place.

Paradox

There is a saying that truth is found in paradox and contradiction. I first heard this saying from my sister Teri. She was always wrestling with the darkness as she was longing for light. In fact she wrote about the dance of joy and sorrow in her book Next Bright Thing.

“Be still, and know that joy and sorrow are dance partners

When one leads the other follows

Each knows the steps of the divine being human

Do not attempt to force one to take the lead when it’s the others turn

When the music ends be joyful

You did not miss the dance.”

Teri understood paradox. She understood we cannot comprehend joy without sorrow, sorrow without joy. She was familiar with paradox because she was paradoxical.

My sister, Teri, was 7 years 4 months and 10 days older than me. From my youngest years I remember thinking she was both beautiful and scary. Even as a young child I felt how volatile her emotions were and I learned how to tip toe and tap dance in our relationship. She could sing. She could act. She was gorgeous. I worshiped her. I wanted to be just like her. For some reason she never thought she was beautiful enough. She was Miss Indiana 1980 and in my eyes she was Miss America. Shortly after her reign she didn’t like cameras and started hiding her face whenever pictures were taken.

I do remember she gave really good, thoughtful gifts. We shared a love of all things Fall and Halloween, and of everything related to Christmas.

She also challenged religious norms and rules. She wrestled with her faith and asked hard questions, never settling for trite easy answers. She inspired me to think, which stirred my soul and started my searching for truth beyond conventional thinking. She often called me her “theological sparring partner.”

She caused a lot of heartache in our family, and in me.

I was afraid of her.

I loved her deeply.

She was a complex person and my feelings for her and about her are complex.

There is no duality in my relationship with her.

No either or.

She was both beautiful and ugly, fun and frightening, kind and cruel. She was quite simply a paradox.

We all are to some degree, yet she had a burning intensity. We were estranged for decades.

My sister, Teri Kardatzke Estes has let go of her physical body and mind and I hope she is finally truly at peace and completely immersed in joy! I hope she is laughing with my dad and singing at the top of her lungs with her beautiful voice. She no longer feels fear, rage, or insecurities. She has no need to lash out at anyone. She finally knows herself as beloved, and I have nothing but love in my heart for her.

I forgive you Teri.

Thank you for forgiving me too. I have missed you for a very long time.

I love you always and you will forever be my sister.

More

The Divine exasperates me.

They know more than I do, They love more, They try harder, They’re more patient and kind and forgiving blah blah blah.

I WANT to be more like Them.

I WANT to love unconditionally, always hope, always believe, always trust. AND

experience has taught me to question, to hold back, to judge, to walk away.

Sometimes experience is right.

And, sometimes it keeps me from growing.

I’m learning to question my questions and analyze my skepticism. Is it worthy? Is it justified?

Or has it become cynicism?

Has it become a defense and shield against vulnerability? Against love?

This is the goal of consciousness. To live in the present by understanding the past and shaping the future…not of the whole world but of myself.

I am in charge of what I fix my mind on, what I want to learn, what I read, what I watch, what I think about. I will think more on these things. I will continue to try to be better and to learn from those who have gone before me. I will keep striving for more while accepting and loving who I am right now.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Enough

Life is weird. If I waited to write something brilliant and unique I would never write anything at all. Still, life is weird, as dumb and infantile as that sounds.

Just to be clear, I love God. I believe Jesus is the Son of God and is God in flesh. I believe in the Spirit who is like the wind and blows wherever it pleases. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t know much of anything. God is love and I’ve been learning to love my whole life. I’m getting better at it and I’m still learning.

I love my mom. My first memories of being cherished and loved are from being her daughter. How lucky am I?

I love Mike. He is the first person that showed me love beyond my understanding. For some reason he loved me no matter what. Ten years in we got to that dark place of no return. We got gut level honest and said no more pretending, no more lies. We somehow walked barefoot over the flaming hot coals and made it through. I wouldn’t have ever understood that kind of love without him. He started it. I followed.

I love my kids. Ever since I was a kid myself I dreamed of having children. I wanted boys. I am so eternally thankful I got to be mom to my three boys.

Dillon made me a mom. He was difficult. He made me face the truth of what I wanted in life. He is my first and made the dreams fade to reality. No sleep, frustration, irritation, annoyance, exhaustion, sheer joy, raw love, total vulnerability. Now I rely on him for so much more than he ever relied on me.

Keenan reminded me I was right. Kids are worth it. Joy is in watching an infant learn to focus on their hand for even one second. Love is messy and imperfect and amazing and bigger than anything else. Now I continue to learn from his wisdom and caring heart.

Tristan was the confirmation. Mike and I had been through the fire and chose each other. Tristan was our gift for becoming vulnerable and choosing to love each other no matter what. I finally cared more about enjoying each moment instead of making sure every speck was cleaned. I continue to learn from his creativity and open spirit.

I love my grandchildren. They are the fulfillment of a lifetime of love I have witnessed with my grandparents, parents and am still experiencing with Mike. And it’s true, being a grandparent is freaking amazing!

I love children. I love my students. Each is unique and special. I see the touch of God on each one of them. I just hope they see it someday too.

Life is weird. Love is weirder. I don’t know much, but I know love really does cover everything. It covers failure. It covers fear. It covers judgment. It covers hate. It covers sin and regret and guilt.

God is love and Love is enough.

Horrible Awful Crappy No Good Day

I had a horrible, awful, crappy, no good day.

My 4th graders wouldn’t stop talking and gave me a headache.

My second graders wouldn’t stop talking or rolling around on the floor and continued my headache.

My first graders were angels.

My Kinders were Kinders, need I say more.

My honors choir goofed off and made me wish I wasn’t giving up my plan time twice a week.

I went home and had a session with my spiritual director. I complained I cried I meditated and I realized the song I’ve been writing this week was for my own encouragement. I hope it encourages you as well. The lyrics are as follows:

Hope lifts the soul, and it raises the spirit

Opens our eyes and our ears, can you hear it?

Calling on all who are searching for answers

Don’t let go don’t give up hope is enough

Sometimes the dark can bring fear and confusion

Doubt pushes through and may cause disillusion

Open your heart and let grace overtake you

Don’t let go don’t give up

Hope is enough

Give away joy and compassion

Always be generous with grace

Be kindness and love in action

Let go of your worries release your pain hold on to faith

You are a light to the world all around you

Hold it up high let it’s brightness surround you

You are the hope that inspires so many

Don’t give up don’t give in

Keep that beautiful spark from within

Hope is enough!

I had a horrible awful crappy no good day. Some days are like that, no matter where you are.

And

The end of 2022 is hours away and I have been formulating this post in my head for over a week.

I’m beginning to live in the space of a word that I learned in kindergarten. It was one of the first words I knew how to read and spell, but it’s taken me my whole life to even begin to grasp its true power. For so many years I’ve lived with an either or thinking and but mentality. Years ago my therapist told me to use the word “but” sparingly because it negates whatever words that come before it. “I love you but… You did a great job but… Thank you for your kindness but…”. Why do we have such a desire for dualism? Black or white with no room for grey, right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad, etc.? This kind of dualism leads to living in rigid scarcity instead of where I want to live…in open abundance!

This holiday season I am happy AND sad at the same time, grateful for my husband, kids, grandkids, friends, mom, and this present time of being a music teacher, an empty nester, a grandma, and a composer, AND I’m missing my dad, my mother in law, and the way things used to be.

My word for the new year is the simply spelled with complex meaning “and.”

I’m going to try to rid myself of buts and live in the complexity of ands.

I am a loving person and I sometimes let my fears rule me.

I am disciplined and spontaneous. I am creative and detailed,

I can be kind and I can be judgmental.

l am human and I am divine.

AND that is beautiful AND holy.

I think one of our biggest lessons to learn in this life is how to hold seemingly opposing feelings, views, thoughts, etc. and accept them all as truth.

Wholly holy truth. AND I will keep striving to live in the uncomfortable place of multiple feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

I follow Jesus’s teaching and I do not identify with a religious institution.

I love my family and I disagree with them on some issues.

I love God and I am learning I know very little about Them.

I am glad 2022 is almost over and I learned so much this year because of the sadness and pain it brought.

As I look forward to 2023, I know I will face new challenges and experience new joys. They go hand in hand.

Happy New Year AND

what is your word of focus for the coming year?

No Tombstone

I hate funerals. Not just because I hate losing people I love, but I absolutely cannot stand the rituals we have surrounding death.

Viewing the body-talk about morbid and sad. The body is just an empty cold box that once held someone indescribably beautiful, creative, complex, beloved. That entity is gone and we put make up on what’s left and dress it up like a Barbie doll, and then stand around and talk about how real they look. Very strange custom indeed.

Another bizarre tradition is burying the decaying body in a $20000 box- we worry if the box should be white or cherry and how many pillows should be included. We fret over burying in the ground or in stone, and what amazing things should be written on the tombstone.

Church dinners-ok not gonna lie this is necessary. Gathering with live people who knew the deceased is important in the grief process. And the food is incredible.

When I die I will be immediately incinerated in the cheapest way possible. My ashes will be spread in my favorite places. There will be no monument or tombstone, I don’t want anyone going to a place expecting me to be there.

“In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭24:5‬ ‭

I hope by the time I die I will have lived a life worthy of the tears of anyone I may have been privileged enough to know and serve. I hope there will be laughter in the sorrow as my many eccentricities are recalled. I hope I am missed and not immediately forgotten. But I will not be here. I will be too busy hugging my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my brother in law, my beloved dogs, and anyone else that has gone before me. I will be laughing and sitting at a banquet table with WINE and fabulous food celebrating Christ’s conquering death and sorrow. I will be free. And I will be waiting to hug you when you meet me on the other side.

Radical Love

I grew up hearing the scripture, Revelation 3:15-16 , “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

As a teenager it meant I could not allow complacency to enter into my heart and mind. I needed to be zealous in my defense of the gospel. God forbid I should be accused of being lukewarm! I began reading Christian apologetics so I could logically argue with atheists and people of other faiths, to prove the inerrancy of scripture and the truth of conservative evangelical Christendom.

Ironically my studies began to stir my heart and raise more questions about the truth of the universe and our Creator. As I grew in knowledge I began to understand how little I understood, how small my comprehension was, and is. I learned the great truth professed by the best minds throughout time, “The more I learn the less I know.” Paradox (seemingly incongruent thoughts or happenings that can both be accurate) became one of my most reliable tests of truth. It was in this confusion I began to trust in the Love who made me, instead of trying to capture that Love with scriptures and throw It in a box tied tightly with lovely ribbon.

I began to see the dangers of dualistic thinking, it’s me against you, us versus them, black or white, hot or cold, with no room for the in between. Doubt became a sobering friend who reminded me to question everything. As Jung said, “Fanaticism is repressed doubt.” I remembered scriptures such as 2 Corinthians 11:14 “Satan comes as an angel of light,” and ““Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” Matthew 7:15.

I found myself becoming paranoid and distrustful of all. A zealot on the other side, out of balance yet again.

That’s when I vowed to be a moderate in all things except one. Love. God is Love. Love is never wrong.

But I’m still not very good at it.

I still judge too harshly, I still run from those who are difficult to love. I still hide out in my safe haven of family, friends, home, the familiar. My wounds still throb with pain and beckon me to “fight or fly.”

But I’m trying, and I recognize my ugly tendency of dualism which really is just a humanistic primal instinct of survival. I long to become Divine. To love the world so much I would give up myself and everything I hold dear to save it…to save even one.

That’s not lukewarm. That’s not moderate. That’s radical life changing mind blowing Love. That’s God.

A Fresh Start…

I read a book years ago called The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. In it Dr Peale proposed that our thoughts significantly direct our actions and therefore impact our circumstances.

One of my favorite quotes is below:

“Personally, I believe that prayer is a sending out of vibrations from one person to another and to God. All of the universe is in vibration. There are vibrations in the molecules of a table. The air is filled with vibrations. The reaction between human beings is also in vibration. When you send out a prayer for another person, you employ the force inherent in a spiritual universe. You transport from yourself to the other person a sense of love, helpfulness, support—a sympathetic, powerful understanding—and in this process you awaken vibrations in the universe through which God brings to pass the good objectives prayed for.”

I still believe in the principles of that book. I witnessed the opposite of it firsthand as my mother-in-law lived with us for over a year. She generated so much negative thought and energy that it hung about our whole living space like a suffocating cloud. Now I’m not saying she wasn’t justified in her depression and anger. She had much in her life that brought great sadness and frustration, but don’t we all. I loved her dearly, but found myself avoiding going home to the dark void of a house I once loved and felt safe in. Even after her death in June, I had to have a cleansing ceremony of her room quoting scriptures burning dried hyssop and singing songs of praise, claiming my house back for the fruits of the Spirit. I repainted the walls, got rid of furniture and bought new. The room is fresh and clean spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

What you think about matters. There is an ancient quote “What you think, you become.” We can have the greatest intentions yet completely miss having a positive impact. For example, if I am constantly thinking about the injustices in this world and feeling angry toward those who oppose my opinions, then I am filling myself with negative energy and will only have that to put back out into the world. This is why it is so important if we feel passionately about something we must turn it into positive thought and action.

We must begin to focus on what we can do for change instead of on all the things that need to be changed. This is the difference between negative and positive energy and it is a force to be reckoned with like an invisible shield or aura around each of us. I believe we each are contributing to the emotional and mental health of everything around us. Our intentions may be honorable and good but if the focus is on scarcity, injustice, and unfairness, that is exactly what our contribution to the world becomes.

It seems this is even more true in this world of social media. It’s so easy to sit at home and post opinions against those we oppose on the World Wide Web, and somehow feel we’ve accomplished something worthwhile. What if we all began seeing each instagram, FB post, or tweet as an extension of ourselves, our very hearts, maybe we would choose to put forth more positive energy wherever we are. Instead of posting a sarcastic statement mocking those who have a differing view, strive to put forth something that uplifts others in truth and love.

The Bible has multiple scriptures telling us to “set our mind” on things above, on love, joy, etc. My favorite is Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

What ever we set our minds on, we become.

If we fix our minds on anger, hate, opposition, criticism, judgement, condemnation, and justification, that is what we will exude wherever we are.

Personally, I want to be conscious and intentional with my thoughts. My desire is to become more loving, more kind. I want to be a source of joy and peace to others, I want to show patience and understanding, gentleness and faithfulness, and as I teach elementary children, I want to demonstrate self control and give hope. Then I must set my mind on all of these things. It’s time for renewal and cleansing. Let us begin anew, a fresh start.