Big

I haven’t written a post for a few months because I’ve been busy marketing my first children’s album Watch Me Grow (streaming everywhere) and writing songs for my next children’s album to be produced this summer.

Last November I went to Boston to attend the Children’s Music Network conference and was blown away by the amazing talent and warmth of so many music artists. It was an overwhelming experience to feel the intimidation of being with such creative and successful people yet feel completely accepted and encouraged by all I met. Once I got back to Wichita I had to take time to process the whole experience.

One of my conversations with Symon Haijar (Hot Toast Music Co.)led to the writing of my title song for my next album, Big. We were discussing how children don’t always know what they are feeling and how to process emotions and I blurted out, “It’s not just kids! We’re all so much bigger than our bodies can hold!”

The more I thought about it, I realized the truth of it. Our physical bodies are small and limiting compared to our spirits. I feel comforted recognizing this as I think about loved ones such as my dad and my mother in law who have left their frail physical bodies and I feel their absence in my gut every moment of every day. Their spirits were much too big to have simply disappeared into nothingness, and I know they exist, just in a different form beyond my comprehension.

Think of all of the times you have felt overwhelmed with emotion in your lifetime. Your poor little body can’t handle the bigness of you and your eye ducts leak, your heart races, your head feel faint, etc. our minds and spirits can actually send our bodies into shock that can lead to death! I see these things as signs that we are much more than we know or understand. We are so big…bigger than our bodies can hold.

Ego

Richard Rohr says “the ego knows itself by comparison.”

I’m so tired of my ego.

I’ve missed so many learning opportunities, rich friendships, and new experiences due to my ego. Always evaluating and comparing, always threatened. I’ve had hundreds of hours of therapy over 30 years, and I still wrestle with my ego.

She is so insecure, so fragile. She’s so afraid she’s never enough or too much, and all she wants is to be welcomed appreciated and loved.

My spiritual director keeps reminding me to look at her with love and say “I see you.”

Bless.

I still try to ignore her because she embarrasses me. I don’t want to admit how insecure I am, how many hours a day I worry that people don’t like me, how I fear I’m insignificant and will die without making any difference in the world. She represents all of this and I try to stuff her in a box but she somehow escapes every time and I can’t ignore her.

“I see you. You are significant. You are worthy. I love you girl. It’s ok. Come into the light.”

I had the privilege of attending a Children’s Music Network listening party last Monday evening and I heard some of the most creative beautiful empowering fun songs for kids I’ve ever heard. I was one of them and I felt proud to be included in such a dynamic community.

Ego tried to take over and ruin it. “Where do you fit? Who’s better than you? Who’s not? Why are you even here? You’re just a clanging cymbal amongst symphonies!”

I looked at her and smiled. I said, “I see you. I love you. You are worthy. You belong. And it’s ok to acknowledge how good these other artists are. That doesn’t negate you. I see you girl. You are beloved.”

I’m going to keep seeing her and reminding her. I want to learn and grow. I want to be with people who are learning and growing. The only way to do that is to keep telling her I see her.

My ego is not my enemy. She is a frightened little girl who thinks she’s trying to protect me from pain. I need to show her I’m ok and pain is the best teacher in this world. It’s ok to hurt, to question. It’s ok to appreciate the greatness of others.

Their egos are probably struggling too.

Watch Me Grow

I’ve been working on a 10 song children’s album that originally was going to be titled Can You Imagine. As the album evolved it became clear to me the overlying theme is Watch Me Grow. I wrote the title song in June when a dear friend and colleague suggested I needed an interactive song to encourage physical activity. I didn’t realize until I’d written it and sung through it a few times that it actually is a universal truth and not just a children’s song. Here are the lyrics:

Watch Me Grow

A long time ago I was just a baby

I didn’t even know my name

and then I learned to crawl and walk and talk

And the world just wasn’t the same.

I remember feeling proud and strong.

That’s when my heart started singing this song

raise your hands up high

stomp your feet down low,

raise them up to the sky

now touch them down to your toes

Raise your hands up high

Clap them 123 whoa whoa

and make sure you don’t close your eyes

so you can watch me grow.

I am still a kid and I’ll keep on growing

no matter how tall I get

cause thinking is growing and it feels good just knowing

there’s so much I haven’t learned yet

now I still am feeling proud and strong.

I want the whole world to sing this song

raise your hands up high

Stomp your feet down low,

raise them up in the Sky,

Now touch them down to your toes

raise your hands up high

Clap them 123 whoa whoa

and make sure you don’t close your eyes

so you can watch me grow

watch me grow

watch me grow

watch me grow!

The realization happened when I was recording a rough vocal for my producer. I began to cry as I sang the second verse about thinking is growing and it feels good just knowing there’s so much I haven’t learned yet.

So much I haven’t learned yet.

Life is humbling and ironic. As we age we begins to realize how little we understand and how short our time is. HL Mencken wrote that the basic fact about human existence is not a tragedy but that it’s a bore. When we lose the wonder of it all, boredom stalks us at every angle.

I believe the following is an eternal truth

“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This is how I found my love for singing and songwriting again. Being with God’s people, children. They don’t doubt everything yet, they still believe in magic, in happy endings. Cynicism hasn’t taken over their hearts. Let us be like them. We don’t have to know everything. We can rest in the mystery of life, of love, of compassion. And as we humble ourselves something truly mystical happens, no matter our physical age, we grow. This is why my song is universal. I’m still growing, and I hope I always will be.

Watch Me Grow! Will be my second single release on all streaming platforms in January. Please look for it as well as my first release My Sunshine on October 20th. Add them to you playlists and download if you enjoy them! Thanks for your support!

Thought for the Day

EnneaThought® for the Day(from The Enneagram Institute)

Type Four EnneaThought®

Universal Inner Work insight: When we are working on ourselves, we may feel compassionate and strong, patient and wise, indomitable and of great value. This is who we actually are. It is the “I” beyond name, without personality—our True Nature. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 37)

I rarely feel the above. Two days ago I did in its fullest. I was with my tribe of women, we call our group Tipsy Talks(you know who you are), and somebody mentioned how my boys struggled with the degree of emotions I had as they were growing up. I felt nothing but love and compassion and acceptance. Yes! My boys suffered some trauma from my emotional outbursts. I’m sorry they did, and I can’t do anything to correct it. I’m glad they still realize how much I love them, have always loved them.

As a deep feeler, I must say, what a beautiful feeling it is to own the truth of who I am. I am a flawed human. I have deeply hurt those I love most. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve added to your already burdened life. AND…I know it was the best I could do in the moment. I love you and am striving for better every day.

As we talked more about it I was able to rationally think through the emotions I threw onto my kids and just thank God I didn’t yell profanity or physically abuse them in any way. Sheesh. Life is hard. Motherhood is impossible. Yet somehow we do it anyway.

I of course wish I could’ve been a perfect mom. We know this is unattainable. I’m so glad I was a loving mom. My boys know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Am I still over-emotional? Yep. I’m thankful I’m surrounded by people who love me anyway AND I’m still working on loving and accepting myself so my emotions don’t end up exploding onto others.

Mental and emotional growth can be measured by our acceptance of reality. As we learn to own our pain and our failings objectively we can then let go of them and move forward. When we deny our faults and mistakes we also deny our growth and the potential intimacy we can experience with our loved ones.

This is why I love the Enneagram. The deeper we study the more we learn that our number can be the false self we hide behind. As we learn our true nature and begin to accept ourselves the way the Divine does, our greatest weaknesses become our greatest strengths. (And if you haven’t guessed, this is why I used the ugliest most honest picture of me I could find. That’s me at my core. And I love her just the way she is😂)

Love Mentality

God is love.

What in the world does that mean?

I think it means stop judging.

If we feel compelled to assess someone else’s spirituality, we should stop and love them instead. If we cringe when someone is expressing where they are spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, we need to recognize we are not loving them where they are which means you and I are not as holy as we think we are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Many of us think we know how to love. I would argue we’re actually better at judging than loving. Love does not, DOES NOT, dishonor others. What about those of other faiths, of nonbelievers, of the outright heathen? Love DOES NOT dishonor others, regardless of their race, culture, gender, faith, you name it. If love does not dishonor, then love must HONOR….that is show respect…to those of all races, cultures, beliefs, faiths, genders, etc. Respect is an act of humility. It is an understanding that we are no better than another and have much to learn from those we encounter.

Respect and love are extremely difficult. I have not met many Christians who edify these traits.

If you are reading this today and identify as a Christian, please contemplate this and do better.

We tend to hang out together in our churches and unconsciously live in cult mentality. I challenge you to become conscious and live in love mentality. It’s very different from the norm. Especially the religious norm. Love one another. Love is the greatest of these. Love.

Moonglow

A few months ago my spiritual director told me I have “moon energy.” I asked her what that meant, and she said that some people are like the sun, constantly generating their own light and energy, but I am a moon that reflects the light. It gave me goosebumps. I love God with all of my heart soul body and mind. I’ve known God loves me since I was 3 years old, yes I remember at that tender age I felt beloved.

February 25, 2022, the night my dad died, actually early morning, I drove to his nursing home at 3:40 am and saw a surreal, huge orange moon in the sky as Citizen’s Way’s song Love Has Won (which I had never heard before) was playing, and I knew it was a message from Dad that all is well.

Understandably the moon has a great spiritual significance to me. A few weeks ago I wrote a lullaby called Moonglow, and I now know I wrote it to my little self…my precious little girl inside of me. I’m a 55 year old grandma and I still have my little girl heart inside of me, longing to be seen and loved for who I am. She’s often scared and lonely, sometimes she feels abandoned and forgotten and I wanted to tell her how very much I love her. I see her. She’s worth being seen and being valued. She is beloved. I am beloved.

You are beloved.

Last night there was an incredible full moon and I woke up at 4 am to go find it. I drove out where there were no street lights and I played my lullaby as I watched the beautiful Moonglow, and I loved and felt loved.

Beloved, know yourself. You are worthy as you are. You are God’s beloved as you are, right now. Absorb that light…the Moonglow into your spirit.

If you would like to hear the lullaby, it’s on my YouTube channel at https://youtu.be/HQ_n_WX9TT4

Moonglow

When I am in the dark

I often feel afraid

As I look at the night sky

There’s a familiar friend

Shining her beams again

And my fear fades in her light

There’s one thing that I know

I’ll never be alone

In the moon glow

The beautiful beams let me know

No matter where I am

She’s lighting up my path

She’s my moon glow

reflecting the sun

So I’ll know

No fear of my own shadow

In the Moon glow

Her beauty shines so bright

My very own nightlight

And I watch with wonder

No need to be afraid

Her gentle loving aid

Blankets me in comfort

There’s one thing that i know,

I’ll never be alone.

More

The Divine exasperates me.

They know more than I do, They love more, They try harder, They’re more patient and kind and forgiving blah blah blah.

I WANT to be more like Them.

I WANT to love unconditionally, always hope, always believe, always trust. AND

experience has taught me to question, to hold back, to judge, to walk away.

Sometimes experience is right.

And, sometimes it keeps me from growing.

I’m learning to question my questions and analyze my skepticism. Is it worthy? Is it justified?

Or has it become cynicism?

Has it become a defense and shield against vulnerability? Against love?

This is the goal of consciousness. To live in the present by understanding the past and shaping the future…not of the whole world but of myself.

I am in charge of what I fix my mind on, what I want to learn, what I read, what I watch, what I think about. I will think more on these things. I will continue to try to be better and to learn from those who have gone before me. I will keep striving for more while accepting and loving who I am right now.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Enough

Life is weird. If I waited to write something brilliant and unique I would never write anything at all. Still, life is weird, as dumb and infantile as that sounds.

Just to be clear, I love God. I believe Jesus is the Son of God and is God in flesh. I believe in the Spirit who is like the wind and blows wherever it pleases. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t know much of anything. God is love and I’ve been learning to love my whole life. I’m getting better at it and I’m still learning.

I love my mom. My first memories of being cherished and loved are from being her daughter. How lucky am I?

I love Mike. He is the first person that showed me love beyond my understanding. For some reason he loved me no matter what. Ten years in we got to that dark place of no return. We got gut level honest and said no more pretending, no more lies. We somehow walked barefoot over the flaming hot coals and made it through. I wouldn’t have ever understood that kind of love without him. He started it. I followed.

I love my kids. Ever since I was a kid myself I dreamed of having children. I wanted boys. I am so eternally thankful I got to be mom to my three boys.

Dillon made me a mom. He was difficult. He made me face the truth of what I wanted in life. He is my first and made the dreams fade to reality. No sleep, frustration, irritation, annoyance, exhaustion, sheer joy, raw love, total vulnerability. Now I rely on him for so much more than he ever relied on me.

Keenan reminded me I was right. Kids are worth it. Joy is in watching an infant learn to focus on their hand for even one second. Love is messy and imperfect and amazing and bigger than anything else. Now I continue to learn from his wisdom and caring heart.

Tristan was the confirmation. Mike and I had been through the fire and chose each other. Tristan was our gift for becoming vulnerable and choosing to love each other no matter what. I finally cared more about enjoying each moment instead of making sure every speck was cleaned. I continue to learn from his creativity and open spirit.

I love my grandchildren. They are the fulfillment of a lifetime of love I have witnessed with my grandparents, parents and am still experiencing with Mike. And it’s true, being a grandparent is freaking amazing!

I love children. I love my students. Each is unique and special. I see the touch of God on each one of them. I just hope they see it someday too.

Life is weird. Love is weirder. I don’t know much, but I know love really does cover everything. It covers failure. It covers fear. It covers judgment. It covers hate. It covers sin and regret and guilt.

God is love and Love is enough.

Worthy

I know we’ve all felt this way.

That feeling when you meet someone and even spend some time around them and you just feel out of place, out of sync. No matter what you say or do, no matter how hard you try to sound relaxed and chill, they just seem to, not like you.

I HATE not being liked. I’ve spent years tap dancing and hoop jumping just to make people like me…sometimes for people I don’t even like. That’s some serious codependency. Sheesh.

I guess the way I need to look at it now is, I must be becoming my real self since I’m experiencing more rejection. None of us can please everyone at once. The more authentic we become, the more moments like the above we’ll have. So I guess at 54 I’m finally more me which means more people won’t like me because I’m not trying to be someone they like. That’s a good spin on something that makes me feel uncomfortable. To be honest, my feelings are hurt. I remember feeling this way clear back in preschool when Susan and her best friend didn’t want to play with me. I was confused, sad, wounded, and all of that turned into anger. I found another friend and the two of us formed our own clique and pretended Susan didn’t matter and we were cooler than her.

Except it still hurts. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to be heard and understood. I want to be worth the time and effort to get to know. Don’t we all?

Funny thing is, I can almost guarantee others have felt the same kind of judgment from me, and I am so sorry. I will try to be more conscious of how I treat others. I don’t want to ever contribute to someone else’s feelings of insignificance. I am no more or less special than any one. We are all equally important and valuable. We are all worthy.

A Clean Slate

I’m feeling vulnerable and wounded. Old familiar feelings that unfortunately come back around time and again like an unsolicited door to door salesperson who pretends to be a friend.

All I know is if my absentmindedness, self-absorbedness, thoughtlessness, and ignorance have ever made any of you feel this way I am so incredibly sorry.

I don’t think I’ve realized how aloof I can come across, and even snobby. That’s never been my intention, and has only stemmed from my deep insecurities. We call it the imposter syndrome and I’ve had it my whole life, terrified you may discover I’m faking my way through everything.

“Act like you know what’s going on and the world may believe you do”.

Truth be told I’ve felt like a bull in a china closet my whole life, awkward and ignorant, fumbling around to try my best to use whatever talent or passions I’ve been given.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever fit in anywhere and I’ll always have my nose pressed against the glass window looking in at happy successful people enjoying each others’ company. I think I’ve often kept others at a distance because of the fear of not being seen and accepted for who I truly am. Ironically I’ve probably treated others the way I’ve felt, and if this is so, again I ask for your forgiveness.

My greatest desire is to be useful, purposeful in helping others feel seen, heard, and valued. That’s why I love working with children. They’re easier to understand. My childlike heart doesn’t have what it takes to defend against adult judgment and rejection.

So this day is over and tomorrow will be new.

A clean slate.