Everything

I recently told my spiritual director I wanted to be more aware of my ego, which in terms of the enneagram 4 is best expressed by my consistent mixed internal message of “you are not enough” AND “you are too much!”

I told her I wanted to recognize my ego reaction to feeling this inadequacy and stop it in its tracks. I wanted to reject the negative insecurities and stand in confidence.

She said “any rejection of self is the wrong path.”

Any rejection of self is the wrong path.

Sigh.

This statement is completely opposite of what I was taught in church. “Self is sinful, self is carnal and wrong.” I tried for years to deny myself and shove her in a box without air-holes but she refused to be suffocated. I have rejected her, shown her repulsion and disgust, yet she still remains cowering in the shadows.

My spiritual director asked me what would be best to say to my fragile ego, my shadow self?

I couldn’t say.

She said, how about speaking to her they way you would to a frightened child?

“I see you, I love you, and you are worthy.”

I see you.

I love you.

You are worthy.

God sees you and loves you and says you are worthy.

Christ sees you and loves you and shows you that you are priceless, worthy of the ultimate sacrifice.

Spirit says I see you, I love you, you are mine.

Sigh.

Hey, you! Sweet little girl in the shadows. I see you.

Come out in the light.

Bless you my sweet little frightened child.

I love you. You are beautiful just the way you are.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

In fact, you are everything.

In fact, if you were the only one lost, I would come looking for you, I would leave everything and everyone else and risk my life to find you.

I see you. I love you. You are worthy.

Church

I went to church today, just like I do everyday.

The light pouring through the geometric shards above created such vibrant colors.

The Spirit whirled around me, giving me breath, peace, restoration.

The stillness called for me to bow my head in quiet reverence and gratitude.

My companion’s steady presence reminded me of God’s love, always walking with me, enveloping me.

The beautiful music was both joyful and mournful, celebrating all the nuances of life, as joy and sorrow cannot be felt without the understanding of the other.

I was in the presence of the Lord and I felt beloved.

This is the sacred place, my church, where I am accepted as I am and welcomed with open arms.

No wonder why I begin every day here in this holy place.

Love Mentality

God is love.

What in the world does that mean?

I think it means stop judging.

If we feel compelled to assess someone else’s spirituality, we should stop and love them instead. If we cringe when someone is expressing where they are spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, we need to recognize we are not loving them where they are which means you and I are not as holy as we think we are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Many of us think we know how to love. I would argue we’re actually better at judging than loving. Love does not, DOES NOT, dishonor others. What about those of other faiths, of nonbelievers, of the outright heathen? Love DOES NOT dishonor others, regardless of their race, culture, gender, faith, you name it. If love does not dishonor, then love must HONOR….that is show respect…to those of all races, cultures, beliefs, faiths, genders, etc. Respect is an act of humility. It is an understanding that we are no better than another and have much to learn from those we encounter.

Respect and love are extremely difficult. I have not met many Christians who edify these traits.

If you are reading this today and identify as a Christian, please contemplate this and do better.

We tend to hang out together in our churches and unconsciously live in cult mentality. I challenge you to become conscious and live in love mentality. It’s very different from the norm. Especially the religious norm. Love one another. Love is the greatest of these. Love.

Paradox

There is a saying that truth is found in paradox and contradiction. I first heard this saying from my sister Teri. She was always wrestling with the darkness as she was longing for light. In fact she wrote about the dance of joy and sorrow in her book Next Bright Thing.

“Be still, and know that joy and sorrow are dance partners

When one leads the other follows

Each knows the steps of the divine being human

Do not attempt to force one to take the lead when it’s the others turn

When the music ends be joyful

You did not miss the dance.”

Teri understood paradox. She understood we cannot comprehend joy without sorrow, sorrow without joy. She was familiar with paradox because she was paradoxical.

My sister, Teri, was 7 years 4 months and 10 days older than me. From my youngest years I remember thinking she was both beautiful and scary. Even as a young child I felt how volatile her emotions were and I learned how to tip toe and tap dance in our relationship. She could sing. She could act. She was gorgeous. I worshiped her. I wanted to be just like her. For some reason she never thought she was beautiful enough. She was Miss Indiana 1980 and in my eyes she was Miss America. Shortly after her reign she didn’t like cameras and started hiding her face whenever pictures were taken.

I do remember she gave really good, thoughtful gifts. We shared a love of all things Fall and Halloween, and of everything related to Christmas.

She also challenged religious norms and rules. She wrestled with her faith and asked hard questions, never settling for trite easy answers. She inspired me to think, which stirred my soul and started my searching for truth beyond conventional thinking. She often called me her “theological sparring partner.”

She caused a lot of heartache in our family, and in me.

I was afraid of her.

I loved her deeply.

She was a complex person and my feelings for her and about her are complex.

There is no duality in my relationship with her.

No either or.

She was both beautiful and ugly, fun and frightening, kind and cruel. She was quite simply a paradox.

We all are to some degree, yet she had a burning intensity. We were estranged for decades.

My sister, Teri Kardatzke Estes has let go of her physical body and mind and I hope she is finally truly at peace and completely immersed in joy! I hope she is laughing with my dad and singing at the top of her lungs with her beautiful voice. She no longer feels fear, rage, or insecurities. She has no need to lash out at anyone. She finally knows herself as beloved, and I have nothing but love in my heart for her.

I forgive you Teri.

Thank you for forgiving me too. I have missed you for a very long time.

I love you always and you will forever be my sister.

Moonglow

A few months ago my spiritual director told me I have “moon energy.” I asked her what that meant, and she said that some people are like the sun, constantly generating their own light and energy, but I am a moon that reflects the light. It gave me goosebumps. I love God with all of my heart soul body and mind. I’ve known God loves me since I was 3 years old, yes I remember at that tender age I felt beloved.

February 25, 2022, the night my dad died, actually early morning, I drove to his nursing home at 3:40 am and saw a surreal, huge orange moon in the sky as Citizen’s Way’s song Love Has Won (which I had never heard before) was playing, and I knew it was a message from Dad that all is well.

Understandably the moon has a great spiritual significance to me. A few weeks ago I wrote a lullaby called Moonglow, and I now know I wrote it to my little self…my precious little girl inside of me. I’m a 55 year old grandma and I still have my little girl heart inside of me, longing to be seen and loved for who I am. She’s often scared and lonely, sometimes she feels abandoned and forgotten and I wanted to tell her how very much I love her. I see her. She’s worth being seen and being valued. She is beloved. I am beloved.

You are beloved.

Last night there was an incredible full moon and I woke up at 4 am to go find it. I drove out where there were no street lights and I played my lullaby as I watched the beautiful Moonglow, and I loved and felt loved.

Beloved, know yourself. You are worthy as you are. You are God’s beloved as you are, right now. Absorb that light…the Moonglow into your spirit.

If you would like to hear the lullaby, it’s on my YouTube channel at https://youtu.be/HQ_n_WX9TT4

Moonglow

When I am in the dark

I often feel afraid

As I look at the night sky

There’s a familiar friend

Shining her beams again

And my fear fades in her light

There’s one thing that I know

I’ll never be alone

In the moon glow

The beautiful beams let me know

No matter where I am

She’s lighting up my path

She’s my moon glow

reflecting the sun

So I’ll know

No fear of my own shadow

In the Moon glow

Her beauty shines so bright

My very own nightlight

And I watch with wonder

No need to be afraid

Her gentle loving aid

Blankets me in comfort

There’s one thing that i know,

I’ll never be alone.

More

The Divine exasperates me.

They know more than I do, They love more, They try harder, They’re more patient and kind and forgiving blah blah blah.

I WANT to be more like Them.

I WANT to love unconditionally, always hope, always believe, always trust. AND

experience has taught me to question, to hold back, to judge, to walk away.

Sometimes experience is right.

And, sometimes it keeps me from growing.

I’m learning to question my questions and analyze my skepticism. Is it worthy? Is it justified?

Or has it become cynicism?

Has it become a defense and shield against vulnerability? Against love?

This is the goal of consciousness. To live in the present by understanding the past and shaping the future…not of the whole world but of myself.

I am in charge of what I fix my mind on, what I want to learn, what I read, what I watch, what I think about. I will think more on these things. I will continue to try to be better and to learn from those who have gone before me. I will keep striving for more while accepting and loving who I am right now.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Enough

Life is weird. If I waited to write something brilliant and unique I would never write anything at all. Still, life is weird, as dumb and infantile as that sounds.

Just to be clear, I love God. I believe Jesus is the Son of God and is God in flesh. I believe in the Spirit who is like the wind and blows wherever it pleases. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t know much of anything. God is love and I’ve been learning to love my whole life. I’m getting better at it and I’m still learning.

I love my mom. My first memories of being cherished and loved are from being her daughter. How lucky am I?

I love Mike. He is the first person that showed me love beyond my understanding. For some reason he loved me no matter what. Ten years in we got to that dark place of no return. We got gut level honest and said no more pretending, no more lies. We somehow walked barefoot over the flaming hot coals and made it through. I wouldn’t have ever understood that kind of love without him. He started it. I followed.

I love my kids. Ever since I was a kid myself I dreamed of having children. I wanted boys. I am so eternally thankful I got to be mom to my three boys.

Dillon made me a mom. He was difficult. He made me face the truth of what I wanted in life. He is my first and made the dreams fade to reality. No sleep, frustration, irritation, annoyance, exhaustion, sheer joy, raw love, total vulnerability. Now I rely on him for so much more than he ever relied on me.

Keenan reminded me I was right. Kids are worth it. Joy is in watching an infant learn to focus on their hand for even one second. Love is messy and imperfect and amazing and bigger than anything else. Now I continue to learn from his wisdom and caring heart.

Tristan was the confirmation. Mike and I had been through the fire and chose each other. Tristan was our gift for becoming vulnerable and choosing to love each other no matter what. I finally cared more about enjoying each moment instead of making sure every speck was cleaned. I continue to learn from his creativity and open spirit.

I love my grandchildren. They are the fulfillment of a lifetime of love I have witnessed with my grandparents, parents and am still experiencing with Mike. And it’s true, being a grandparent is freaking amazing!

I love children. I love my students. Each is unique and special. I see the touch of God on each one of them. I just hope they see it someday too.

Life is weird. Love is weirder. I don’t know much, but I know love really does cover everything. It covers failure. It covers fear. It covers judgment. It covers hate. It covers sin and regret and guilt.

God is love and Love is enough.

Happy Death Day

I physically lost my dad February 25,2022, but had watched Alzheimer’s take him from us little by little for over a decade.

His last week of life was one of the longest I’ve ever experienced. Each morning felt like the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. We would get up and meet around his bedside singing, sitting, praying, laughing, crying while he lay unconscious. We would say goodnight around 11pm, and meet the next morning to do it all over again.

Six days in, on Friday, I woke at 3am and began praying again for him to pass. My brother Scott called me at 3:22 and said he had passed at 3:04am with no one at his side. I left my house at 3:30 to meet Scott and his wife to view dad’s body at the rest home.

My dearest friend had sent me her Apple Music praise and worship list earlier in the week but I had not listened. It automatically came on as the road curved toward southeast and the moon was huge and orange, hanging like an aging sun over the darkened city. it looked unreal, like a movie scene. I’ve never seen one like it. A song I’d never heard was playing, Love Has Won by Citizen Way.

As I’m trying to take all of this in, my phone rings and it’s my brother as he was just ahead of me on the road seeing the same surreal sky. He acted liked our dad always did when viewing an amazing waterfall or majestic mountain on family trips. “Did you see that moon? Did you see it? Look look don’t miss this moment!”

It was very profound. I was overwhelmed with laughter as tears streamed down my face.

Fast forward to May of the same year. Wichita’s Museum of World Treasures (my dad was the founder) had a “ghost hunter” overnight experience. The guide told me my dad was in the room and asked if I wanted to see his presence and hear his voice with her equipment. I skeptically said I would, and I saw some sort of light lines jumping around on the screen and heard a voice say “yes it’s me…sing!” (For a good six months before his death, I had sung at his bedside every day) I began singing his favorite song Edelweiss from The Sound of Music and the lights on the screen began jumping excitedly. Our guide began crying, she was so moved. Later she came up to me and said dad would contact me somehow in the next few weeks and he would make sure to show me it was not just a dream.

Three weeks later we took an incredible Alaskan cruise (May 28-June 4) and Covid delayed us in Seattle, Washington. The last night there, I had a dream about Daddy. My brother Scott and I were in a car, I was driving and Scott was in the front passenger seat. All of the sudden we heard Dad in the back seat, I think he was talking or singing, and I said to Scott, “Do you hear him?” He said that he did. I think we sang together and told him how much we love and miss him.

I woke up feeling sad the dream was over, and wanted to remember what was said. I laid on my back in bed and focused on Daddy in my thoughts. I think sleep paralysis (common for me)came on, and suddenly Dad was talking to me in my mind. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him mentally. There was some sort of code given that told me it wasn’t a dream like the one I had before. He said to remember it but now I can’t recall it! He also told me he knew I had a dream about him earlier and wanted to make sure I knew this wasn’t a dream. There was a song I’d never heard but seemed familiar to me because it was about being happy together as a family. I babbled quickly about how much I love him and miss him and asked him if he’s happy and he said “Oh yes, very!” He assured me he’s fine and of his love. And suddenly I felt him leave as I returned to full consciousness and opened my eyes. The whole experience was like a static filled overseas phone call from the 1970’s. I wish I had immediately written everything down, but I mulled over it for awhile before drifting off to sleep again.

After waking in the morning and telling Mike what had happened, I realized it was June 7, 2023, his 86th birthday.

There are some who would say all of this was my own psyche trying to comfort myself during a difficult time. There are others who would say it’s wrong to consult a medium. My heart and soul know I was given reassurance from my dad. We had had many discussions through the years concerning the afterlife and our doubts and fears. He knew I shared his skepticism and I believe he gave me these special moments to let me know, all is well. Whenever I feel hopeless, I listen to Love Has Won. Find it here https://youtube.com/watch?v=l-tzgWrxM2Q&feature=shares

Love Has Won

“This is a song for the hurting

I hope that it helps you to heal

This is a song when the worst of the worst

Is all that you can feel

And this is a song for the lonely

If you’ve lost someone you can’t live without

A song for the souls that are searching

And hearts that are broken down

Sing with me now

Sing with me now

Hallelujah love has won

Hallelujah love has won

God is with us, thank You Jesus

Though the battle rages on

Hallelujah love has won

Yeah

Sometimes it feels like it’s hopeless

It’s a war just to hang by a thread

Sometimes on this side of heaven

Oh, it just doesn’t make sense

And that’s why He gave us this family

With a promise that nothing can break

That one day we’ll all be together

And the devil can’t take that away

Oh, so don’t be afraid

He’s already conquered the grave

So sing

Hallelujah love has won

Hallelujah love has won

God is with us, thank You Jesus

Though the battle rages on

Hallelujah love has won

Oh, can you hear the angels sing

Death is dead, we’re finally free

How sweet the sound

How sweet, how sweet

All creation will bow

And we’ll sing

Hallelujah love has won

Hallelujah love has won

God is with us, thank You Jesus

Though the battle rages on

Hallelujah love has won

This is a song for the hurting

I hope that it helps you to heal.”

Of Books, Bishops and Beatitudes

Thanks to a dear friend, I’m currently reading Rachel Held Evans’ 2010 book, Faith Unraveled and I feel such a kinship! I too grew up in a loving Christian home with intelligent people striving to prove our faith to a lost world. We devoured Lee Strobel, Ravi Zacharias, Josh McDowell, and the likes. Our second bible was CS Lewis’s Mere Christianity.

I was fortunate that my dad was a seeker and not afraid of my doubts and questions. We had many conversations about other faiths and both of us rested in the belief that God is Love, therefore wherever and in whomever genuine love resides regardless of status, religion, gender, culture, or race, God dwells. This belief is my foundation, the very reason I didn’t reject Christianity entirely, and, as I read it, the New Testament upholds this with Jesus’s own teachings.

Jesus turns conservative, capitalistic fundamentalism on its head. There simply is no way to make the beatitudes a defense for the blessedness of nationalism, capitalism and the health wealth gospel. The poor, meek, broken-hearted, the merciful, the pure in heart and the peacemakers…these shall inherit the earth. We are to love our enemies and turn the other cheek, pray behind closed doors in secret, and give away our possessions. We are to be Jesus’s hands and feet, to be the salt of the earth, to share the good news that God loves the world! The message is clear…love love love! Let us weigh every action against love to see if it is of God. Too many times I have listened to my own or others’ fears and called them God’s will.

My friend Michelle is experiencing Les Miserables Live on stage in Nashville this evening. Earlier today she and I were discussing Inspector Javert and how he could not conceive of the concept of grace. He put the law above all else and could not accept anything but dualism….”this is good and that is bad”, “I am right therefore you are wrong,”etc. Javert is a perfect example of what most humans think righteousness looks like, yet Jean Valjean is the one who radiates compassion and love (God’s heart) after he accepted the grace he was shown by Bishop Myriel.

As I was reading Evan’s account of her disillusionment with the church a steady stream of tears began to roll down my cheeks. I love my heritage, I love the people I grew up with, I love singing praise and worship music, and I love our world, I believe in civil rights and equality, and that God is bigger than my comprehension. God is bigger than my understanding, bigger than the Bible, than the church and its many leaders and congregations, God is greater than all of these. God is not limited to our religious boundaries and rules, and any time I find myself getting confused by the different voices here claiming to be the only truth, I ask myself…Is this voice one of Love, Compassion, and Grace? If not then it is not of God no matter how holy it seems.

Everything and everyone from books to bishops must be examined and weighed against Love.

The Beatitudes

He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:2-16 NIV

No Tombstone

I hate funerals. Not just because I hate losing people I love, but I absolutely cannot stand the rituals we have surrounding death.

Viewing the body-talk about morbid and sad. The body is just an empty cold box that once held someone indescribably beautiful, creative, complex, beloved. That entity is gone and we put make up on what’s left and dress it up like a Barbie doll, and then stand around and talk about how real they look. Very strange custom indeed.

Another bizarre tradition is burying the decaying body in a $20000 box- we worry if the box should be white or cherry and how many pillows should be included. We fret over burying in the ground or in stone, and what amazing things should be written on the tombstone.

Church dinners-ok not gonna lie this is necessary. Gathering with live people who knew the deceased is important in the grief process. And the food is incredible.

When I die I will be immediately incinerated in the cheapest way possible. My ashes will be spread in my favorite places. There will be no monument or tombstone, I don’t want anyone going to a place expecting me to be there.

“In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭24:5‬ ‭

I hope by the time I die I will have lived a life worthy of the tears of anyone I may have been privileged enough to know and serve. I hope there will be laughter in the sorrow as my many eccentricities are recalled. I hope I am missed and not immediately forgotten. But I will not be here. I will be too busy hugging my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my brother in law, my beloved dogs, and anyone else that has gone before me. I will be laughing and sitting at a banquet table with WINE and fabulous food celebrating Christ’s conquering death and sorrow. I will be free. And I will be waiting to hug you when you meet me on the other side.