Planks and Splinters

I’ve had a lot of years, even decades, filled with joy and life.

The past twelve months have been more about difficulties and death, such as finally losing my dad in February after a long battle with Alzheimer’s, almost losing Mike’s mom in the spring of ‘21, having her move in with us and now her passing on June 24, 2022, just a couple of weeks after taking her on her dream cruise to Alaska.

It’s been quite a year.

As I’ve been reflecting on death, I’ve been examining my own heart. I have heard a lot of Christians through the years talk about how fearful they are of their loved ones not going to heaven because they haven’t gone to church or prayed the sinner’s prayer.

I used to have that same fear, until I started scratching the surface of learning just how big God’s love is.

Knowing how much I love my own kids and grandkids, and that I would do anything, absolutely anything to ensure their safety and salvation, and then coming to the understanding that my love is a drop in a bucket compared to God’s ocean of love.

This week I’ve been asking myself, “Who do I really want in heaven?” And the answer made me realize I have a long way to go before I love like God loves.

How much time do we spend deciding who is worthy of salvation? Hitler is usually where most of us draw the line…surely you can’t torture and kill millions and still be forgiven! Yet as I get older and think more about my own expiration date, I remember Jesus’s words more often.

““Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Matthew 7:1-2

Do I want to be judged according to how I judge? I better quit judging then! In fact, if I am to be more like Jesus, shouldn’t I want everyone, every one, to experience salvation? If I am holding even an ounce of hate in my heart for another, I am not loving like Jesus does. He who hung on a cross and begged, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Do I always know what I’m doing and why? Will I want to try to justify my actions when I stand before God or will I fall to my knees weeping, or just simply run into his arms?

Back to the previous question, who do I really WANT in heaven? If the answer is anything but “everything and everyone,” I am not loving enough.

I am not loving like God loves.

So maybe I need to read the next few verses of Matthew 7 and make them my focus instead of worrying about anyone else’s salvation.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Matthew 7:3-5

Remember, if we feel afraid for our loved ones, fear is never of God. We must pray, for them and for ourselves. We must focus on loving ourselves and others better each day.

There will never come a day in this lifetime when I love as perfectly as God does…so that means the plank in my eye will always be there as I live and breathe, which means I will never have time to worry about someone else’s splinter!

Social Media Hiatus

Our eighteen year old son, Tristan, challenged his older brother and me to delete social media from our phones for a month. He follows YouTube channel YesTheory and had watched one of their episodes concerning the addiction of social media.

I quickly realized how much time I’d been wasting on it, habitually checking FB and Instagram multiple times a day. What’s interesting is I really haven’t missed it. I’m not planning on completely deleting my accounts yet as I like to see my children and grandchildren’s posts and keep in touch with people I rarely see, but I am going to keep from downloading the apps again. My anxiety level has lowered and my mental focus is noticeably better. I highly recommend watching YesTheory’s post concerning social media and giving it a rest. It’s been a beautiful experience to concentrate on more important things and just be.

Be in the moment, be present, be with the ones I love, be relaxed. I’ve also taken a break from blogging, and have enjoyed listening to podcasts like Richard Rohr’s Another Name For Everything, Ian Cron’s Typology, and James Bryan Smith’s Things Above. Podcast’s focused on living in the now, be-ing, focusing on the ever-present sacred, thinking on things above. We don’t need to constantly do, mindlessly react. Taking a step back and reevaluating what we’re focusing our attention on is an invaluable decision. Not only am I more attentive to the present, I am more grateful for all I have.

I’M LATE!

Those of you that have known me for a good amount of time know I am habitually late. In fact, Mike and I both struggle in this area. I’ve always felt like I’m ok because I’m under 5 minutes late and he runs behind 30. Plus, I’m usually early to work and other times, when it really counts. When it really counts…those four words got me thinking and writing this post. Doesn’t it always count? I wouldn’t accept my husband saying he’s faithful to me “when it really counts.” I want his faithfulness always…in fact faithful means constant…always, so I couldn’t call him faithful if he was MOST of the time, when it counts.

I don’t have a ton of regrets, but one of my major ones is being chronically late to pick up Tristan from elementary school. He would get so embarrassed and frustrated on the days (which were too common) that he was one of the last kids waiting. I wish I could have a do over. My tardiness affected my child’s feelings and contributed to his anxiety. I’m sure my older boys had the same experience, it’s just harder for me to remember twenty years ago versus ten.

Why do I have this issue? Yes, part of it is my artistic nature, I am often daydreaming and creating which contributes to losing track of time, but as I like to dig deeper and have a better understanding of myself, I have to identify another factor. It also has to do with my creative nature, but is of the darker side.

According to the Process Communication Model of personalities I am a rebel/dreamer that apparently went through a life crisis, discovering my natural traits weren’t helping me in my circumstances so I abandoned them and became a persister. This explains why I was able to earn a 4.0 in college when most rebel/dreamers struggle with even finishing, and it points to why I have been so focused on tackling my own weaknesses and truly growing. Persistence is a motivator for change. However, my rebel/dreamer nature is still in me, still a part of my core, and subconsciously keeps me a few minutes late from meetings that might interfere with my consciously accepted routine. I am very routinized and don’t like changes to my schedule. I’m fully capable of being on time, even early, as I am on regular work days. Obviously I have subconsciously been protesting against changes to my routine. Now that it has been brought to my attention and I have identified the cause, I will persist and triumph over my rebellious nature!😆

Thank you to my family and friends who have been annoyed and affected by my chronic tardiness through the years. Thank you for showing me grace and loving me, warts and all. I apologize for my rudeness and consciously commit right now to be better…to actually be ON TIME! Hold me to my word!!!

And the Oscar goes to…

Anxiety is paralyzing. It grips the heart which constricts blood flow to organs and limbs, making every move feel as if I’m stuck in a pit of molasses up to my chest. Breathing is shallow which can bring on those hideous panic attacks that have tricked me into thinking I’m actually having a heart attack and could die. Ironic that I’m already a tad dramatic…add anxiety and an occasional panic attack and “HELLO OSCAR!! FIRST I’D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY….”😆

Luckily, therapy has convinced me I’m an extrovert with chronic anxiety, and to push past the strong desire to spend my days curled up in a fetal position. Every day I feel it. No matter if my task is teaching or going to the grocery store, my heart races and anxiety ensues. I’ve learned that it’s my normal. You’ve got your normal. I’ve got mine. I have to accept who I am, anxiety and all, and I can’t allow it to stop me from contributing, from sharing my talents, or from just living!

I’m pretty used to the panic…I now have healthy self talk…actually out loud, encouraging my scared little self to be bold and courageous. “You can do this! You’ve got something to say…say it while you can…write, teach, present, perform! Do it, though your breath is shallow…hey you’re still breathing! Do it though your head and heart are pounding…they’re still functioning! Do it though you feel so nervous you think you might have the flu…YOU DON’T! Do it though you think it might kill you…you’re ALIVE NOW! No excuses…DO IT!”

I’ve known many people with similar issues who end up giving in to their disability. They’ve allowed their anxiety to conquer them…confine them…even paralyze them…to keep them from sharing their talents and abilities with the outside world. That scares me even more than my own anxiety…so I keep pushing past it! Just like a commitment to daily physical exercise, I don’t really feel like doing it, but I know it’s good for me so I do it anyway!
Every day I’m alive, I will feel like me, which means I will feel anxious and afraid.
I am not promised that I will not have anxiety, but I am encouraged to literally throw it on God.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.””
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Breathe

My husband gave me an Apple Watch for Christmas and it reminds me daily to breathe. If I click on it it will take me through a deep breathing exercise for a solid minute and it always surprises me how much better I feel afterwards. There wouldn’t be a reminder to breathe unless most of us have an issue. Chronic anxiety can literally steal our breath away. Growing up in a household with an emotionally volatile person, I learned to walk on eggshells and hold my breath. The song “Breathe You In” is about the constant struggle I have had with self image and self worth. I learned at an early age to tiptoe through rooms and often felt guilty for taking up space and air.

The apostle John likens the Holy Spirit to a mighty wind that envelops us. “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
‭‭John‬ ‭3:8‬

How many times have I refused to let go of my fears and breathe in deeply, allowing the Spirit to take over? To be painfully honest, it’s a trust issue. To say I’m afraid God will forget how weak and scared I am sounds ridiculous, He doesn’t forget! But no matter how crazy it is, the fear grips me and I have to name it in order to breathe in His Spirit.

Breathe You In
Scattered pieces of what’s left of me
Blow across my eyes reminding me where I’ve been
And make me question who I am
Winds are rushing through my troubled mind
I’ve fallen on the rock afraid to try again
Lord I’m reaching for Your hand

I’m so afraid you might forget
That I’m not strong enough to stand
Through this storm
While my fears are crashing in
I hold my breath bury my head
But I can’t stop this rushing wind
So let your Spirit flow and I’ll Breathe You In

Though I don’t see the air that brings me life
My body takes each breath and somehow I survive
I don’t even question why
So when Your Holy Spirit enters me
Why do I struggle so rebelliously for control?
You lead me where I’m scared to go

I’m so afraid you might forget
That I’m not strong enough to stand
Through this storm
While my fears are crashing in
I hold my breath bury my head
But I can’t stop this rushing wind
So let your Spirit flow and I’ll Breathe You In

https://mobi.soundcloud.com/kim-noller/breathe-you-in

https://mobi.soundcloud.com/kim-noller/breathe-you-in

Doggone It!

Yesterday turned out to be an off day…for my dogs! We have a thirteen year old red Shiba Inu, an 11 year old white lab named Gracie, a four year old red lab, Creed, and a ten month old white Shiba named Nala.

It started off as usual with me on the 12 year old, extremely worn Sam’s Club leather couch with Creed at my side. I was just getting ready to take my first sip of Pike’s Place when Creed abruptly decided he wasn’t comfortable enough and explosively rolled in my lap, coffee spilling everywhere!

After cleaning up and changing clothes I did my workout and started cleaning the basement storage room, when Nala, or little britches as we call her, knocks down the gate and races around, chewing up a toy in 10 seconds flat! After getting her back upstairs, I decide all four of them are feeling neglected so I go outside with them and play ball with Creed and Nala while Gracie lays at my side and Wally watches from his perch of the outside steps. After about 15 minutes, we head back in, Creed drinks too much and throws up all over the kitchen floor. This is a pattern for him that I should’ve been ready for, we have to limit his water right after exerting himself. I clean up the vomit, and Nala knocks down the upstairs gate finds a book and tears it to shreds.

Later that day, Nala knocks the gate down again and Wally decides to go back in our closet and pee. At this point I’m thinking “When does school start?? I’m so ready!” After a few more antics, a thunderstorm breaks out and I realize the barometric pressure must have had them all ramped up for the entire day. Even my saving Grace had seemed out of sorts and had followed me around whenever I was in the room.

Obviously, dogs get anxious too, and the fact that I messed with their routine by staying home but being inaccessible downstairs upset them as well. I properly loved on all of them at bedtime and felt an even deeper kinship recognizing how many times they’ve relieved my daily anxiety just by being present, living in the now, ready to give me unconditional love at every given moment. Dogs are people too!❤️

Small Talk

I’m terrible at it. Because I’m an outgoing extroverted person, people assume I’m relaxed and easy to talk to, but I’m EXTREMELY awkward. For instance, years ago when I was touring regularly I would sometimes attend after-parties. One evening as I was attempting small talk, I started to catch myself saying for at least the third or fourth time to some poor soul that was stuck talking to me, “And, so, but anyway…”. Sheesh.

Another example, meeting my sister in law for the first time when she had only been on MAYBE two dates with my brother, I exclaimed, “Well you’ll fit in just fine with our family!” Thank you Scott for not murdering me in my sleep!

How about this doozy? When I was performing country music with my sister and sister in law as the Karr Sisters (we dropped the datzke and added an r so we weren’t mistaken for flying trapeze artists), we adorned our manager with a floral lei and I blurted out INTO THE MIC, “What do you get a guy that has everything? A lei!” I seriously didn’t realize why everyone was laughing so hard till someone explained it to me.

After I had stopped singing in public for a few years, my social anxiety got much worse. I remember entering my counselor’s office, plopping myself down on his sofa and confidently stating that I finally realized why I was so socially awkward…I was definitely an introvert! I’ll never forget the expression on his face. He looked like an adult who is trying to keep from laughing at something a child has said in earnest. He calmly said, “Well Kim, I can honestly say I’ve never met an introvert like you.”

If I don’t know you very well, my anxiety takes over, my ears turn red, my heart beats rapidly and I usually say something nonsensical, embarrassing, or really really stupid. Ironically I am an extrovert with serious social anxiety. That having been said, next time we meet, if I seem “off” and say something weird or mumble to myself, please know it’s not you…it’s me. Small talk is a BIG deal to me.