Thought for the Day

EnneaThought® for the Day(from The Enneagram Institute)

Type Four EnneaThought®

Universal Inner Work insight: When we are working on ourselves, we may feel compassionate and strong, patient and wise, indomitable and of great value. This is who we actually are. It is the “I” beyond name, without personality—our True Nature. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 37)

I rarely feel the above. Two days ago I did in its fullest. I was with my tribe of women, we call our group Tipsy Talks(you know who you are), and somebody mentioned how my boys struggled with the degree of emotions I had as they were growing up. I felt nothing but love and compassion and acceptance. Yes! My boys suffered some trauma from my emotional outbursts. I’m sorry they did, and I can’t do anything to correct it. I’m glad they still realize how much I love them, have always loved them.

As a deep feeler, I must say, what a beautiful feeling it is to own the truth of who I am. I am a flawed human. I have deeply hurt those I love most. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve added to your already burdened life. AND…I know it was the best I could do in the moment. I love you and am striving for better every day.

As we talked more about it I was able to rationally think through the emotions I threw onto my kids and just thank God I didn’t yell profanity or physically abuse them in any way. Sheesh. Life is hard. Motherhood is impossible. Yet somehow we do it anyway.

I of course wish I could’ve been a perfect mom. We know this is unattainable. I’m so glad I was a loving mom. My boys know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Am I still over-emotional? Yep. I’m thankful I’m surrounded by people who love me anyway AND I’m still working on loving and accepting myself so my emotions don’t end up exploding onto others.

Mental and emotional growth can be measured by our acceptance of reality. As we learn to own our pain and our failings objectively we can then let go of them and move forward. When we deny our faults and mistakes we also deny our growth and the potential intimacy we can experience with our loved ones.

This is why I love the Enneagram. The deeper we study the more we learn that our number can be the false self we hide behind. As we learn our true nature and begin to accept ourselves the way the Divine does, our greatest weaknesses become our greatest strengths. (And if you haven’t guessed, this is why I used the ugliest most honest picture of me I could find. That’s me at my core. And I love her just the way she is😂)

Church

I went to church today, just like I do everyday.

The light pouring through the geometric shards above created such vibrant colors.

The Spirit whirled around me, giving me breath, peace, restoration.

The stillness called for me to bow my head in quiet reverence and gratitude.

My companion’s steady presence reminded me of God’s love, always walking with me, enveloping me.

The beautiful music was both joyful and mournful, celebrating all the nuances of life, as joy and sorrow cannot be felt without the understanding of the other.

I was in the presence of the Lord and I felt beloved.

This is the sacred place, my church, where I am accepted as I am and welcomed with open arms.

No wonder why I begin every day here in this holy place.

Love Mentality

God is love.

What in the world does that mean?

I think it means stop judging.

If we feel compelled to assess someone else’s spirituality, we should stop and love them instead. If we cringe when someone is expressing where they are spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, we need to recognize we are not loving them where they are which means you and I are not as holy as we think we are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Many of us think we know how to love. I would argue we’re actually better at judging than loving. Love does not, DOES NOT, dishonor others. What about those of other faiths, of nonbelievers, of the outright heathen? Love DOES NOT dishonor others, regardless of their race, culture, gender, faith, you name it. If love does not dishonor, then love must HONOR….that is show respect…to those of all races, cultures, beliefs, faiths, genders, etc. Respect is an act of humility. It is an understanding that we are no better than another and have much to learn from those we encounter.

Respect and love are extremely difficult. I have not met many Christians who edify these traits.

If you are reading this today and identify as a Christian, please contemplate this and do better.

We tend to hang out together in our churches and unconsciously live in cult mentality. I challenge you to become conscious and live in love mentality. It’s very different from the norm. Especially the religious norm. Love one another. Love is the greatest of these. Love.

More

The Divine exasperates me.

They know more than I do, They love more, They try harder, They’re more patient and kind and forgiving blah blah blah.

I WANT to be more like Them.

I WANT to love unconditionally, always hope, always believe, always trust. AND

experience has taught me to question, to hold back, to judge, to walk away.

Sometimes experience is right.

And, sometimes it keeps me from growing.

I’m learning to question my questions and analyze my skepticism. Is it worthy? Is it justified?

Or has it become cynicism?

Has it become a defense and shield against vulnerability? Against love?

This is the goal of consciousness. To live in the present by understanding the past and shaping the future…not of the whole world but of myself.

I am in charge of what I fix my mind on, what I want to learn, what I read, what I watch, what I think about. I will think more on these things. I will continue to try to be better and to learn from those who have gone before me. I will keep striving for more while accepting and loving who I am right now.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Enough

Life is weird. If I waited to write something brilliant and unique I would never write anything at all. Still, life is weird, as dumb and infantile as that sounds.

Just to be clear, I love God. I believe Jesus is the Son of God and is God in flesh. I believe in the Spirit who is like the wind and blows wherever it pleases. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don’t know much of anything. God is love and I’ve been learning to love my whole life. I’m getting better at it and I’m still learning.

I love my mom. My first memories of being cherished and loved are from being her daughter. How lucky am I?

I love Mike. He is the first person that showed me love beyond my understanding. For some reason he loved me no matter what. Ten years in we got to that dark place of no return. We got gut level honest and said no more pretending, no more lies. We somehow walked barefoot over the flaming hot coals and made it through. I wouldn’t have ever understood that kind of love without him. He started it. I followed.

I love my kids. Ever since I was a kid myself I dreamed of having children. I wanted boys. I am so eternally thankful I got to be mom to my three boys.

Dillon made me a mom. He was difficult. He made me face the truth of what I wanted in life. He is my first and made the dreams fade to reality. No sleep, frustration, irritation, annoyance, exhaustion, sheer joy, raw love, total vulnerability. Now I rely on him for so much more than he ever relied on me.

Keenan reminded me I was right. Kids are worth it. Joy is in watching an infant learn to focus on their hand for even one second. Love is messy and imperfect and amazing and bigger than anything else. Now I continue to learn from his wisdom and caring heart.

Tristan was the confirmation. Mike and I had been through the fire and chose each other. Tristan was our gift for becoming vulnerable and choosing to love each other no matter what. I finally cared more about enjoying each moment instead of making sure every speck was cleaned. I continue to learn from his creativity and open spirit.

I love my grandchildren. They are the fulfillment of a lifetime of love I have witnessed with my grandparents, parents and am still experiencing with Mike. And it’s true, being a grandparent is freaking amazing!

I love children. I love my students. Each is unique and special. I see the touch of God on each one of them. I just hope they see it someday too.

Life is weird. Love is weirder. I don’t know much, but I know love really does cover everything. It covers failure. It covers fear. It covers judgment. It covers hate. It covers sin and regret and guilt.

God is love and Love is enough.

Clean

I’m so grateful for a bathtub.

Showers rule the world. Go go go says the world! Shower off all the gunk all the ick of each day and go go go into the world again, don’t stop to sit and think.

Baths encourage us to sit in our thoughts as we rest in hot, still water. Just be. Warm. Be warm and be.

Take the time to sit in this moment and contemplate today. What was good about it? What could have been better? What totally sucked? Name it! And let it go.

Baths wash away the hurriedness and frantic chatter of the day. They beckon, “Come, sit, contemplate, be warm. Sit and relax as you let go of this day. You are home.”

We’ve been traveling and most hotels only have showers. After three nights of showers I prayed please God let there be a bath and voila!

I sit. I contemplate. I let go. I am clean.

❤️

Worthy

I know we’ve all felt this way.

That feeling when you meet someone and even spend some time around them and you just feel out of place, out of sync. No matter what you say or do, no matter how hard you try to sound relaxed and chill, they just seem to, not like you.

I HATE not being liked. I’ve spent years tap dancing and hoop jumping just to make people like me…sometimes for people I don’t even like. That’s some serious codependency. Sheesh.

I guess the way I need to look at it now is, I must be becoming my real self since I’m experiencing more rejection. None of us can please everyone at once. The more authentic we become, the more moments like the above we’ll have. So I guess at 54 I’m finally more me which means more people won’t like me because I’m not trying to be someone they like. That’s a good spin on something that makes me feel uncomfortable. To be honest, my feelings are hurt. I remember feeling this way clear back in preschool when Susan and her best friend didn’t want to play with me. I was confused, sad, wounded, and all of that turned into anger. I found another friend and the two of us formed our own clique and pretended Susan didn’t matter and we were cooler than her.

Except it still hurts. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to be heard and understood. I want to be worth the time and effort to get to know. Don’t we all?

Funny thing is, I can almost guarantee others have felt the same kind of judgment from me, and I am so sorry. I will try to be more conscious of how I treat others. I don’t want to ever contribute to someone else’s feelings of insignificance. I am no more or less special than any one. We are all equally important and valuable. We are all worthy.

A Clean Slate

I’m feeling vulnerable and wounded. Old familiar feelings that unfortunately come back around time and again like an unsolicited door to door salesperson who pretends to be a friend.

All I know is if my absentmindedness, self-absorbedness, thoughtlessness, and ignorance have ever made any of you feel this way I am so incredibly sorry.

I don’t think I’ve realized how aloof I can come across, and even snobby. That’s never been my intention, and has only stemmed from my deep insecurities. We call it the imposter syndrome and I’ve had it my whole life, terrified you may discover I’m faking my way through everything.

“Act like you know what’s going on and the world may believe you do”.

Truth be told I’ve felt like a bull in a china closet my whole life, awkward and ignorant, fumbling around to try my best to use whatever talent or passions I’ve been given.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever fit in anywhere and I’ll always have my nose pressed against the glass window looking in at happy successful people enjoying each others’ company. I think I’ve often kept others at a distance because of the fear of not being seen and accepted for who I truly am. Ironically I’ve probably treated others the way I’ve felt, and if this is so, again I ask for your forgiveness.

My greatest desire is to be useful, purposeful in helping others feel seen, heard, and valued. That’s why I love working with children. They’re easier to understand. My childlike heart doesn’t have what it takes to defend against adult judgment and rejection.

So this day is over and tomorrow will be new.

A clean slate.

And

The end of 2022 is hours away and I have been formulating this post in my head for over a week.

I’m beginning to live in the space of a word that I learned in kindergarten. It was one of the first words I knew how to read and spell, but it’s taken me my whole life to even begin to grasp its true power. For so many years I’ve lived with an either or thinking and but mentality. Years ago my therapist told me to use the word “but” sparingly because it negates whatever words that come before it. “I love you but… You did a great job but… Thank you for your kindness but…”. Why do we have such a desire for dualism? Black or white with no room for grey, right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad, etc.? This kind of dualism leads to living in rigid scarcity instead of where I want to live…in open abundance!

This holiday season I am happy AND sad at the same time, grateful for my husband, kids, grandkids, friends, mom, and this present time of being a music teacher, an empty nester, a grandma, and a composer, AND I’m missing my dad, my mother in law, and the way things used to be.

My word for the new year is the simply spelled with complex meaning “and.”

I’m going to try to rid myself of buts and live in the complexity of ands.

I am a loving person and I sometimes let my fears rule me.

I am disciplined and spontaneous. I am creative and detailed,

I can be kind and I can be judgmental.

l am human and I am divine.

AND that is beautiful AND holy.

I think one of our biggest lessons to learn in this life is how to hold seemingly opposing feelings, views, thoughts, etc. and accept them all as truth.

Wholly holy truth. AND I will keep striving to live in the uncomfortable place of multiple feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

I follow Jesus’s teaching and I do not identify with a religious institution.

I love my family and I disagree with them on some issues.

I love God and I am learning I know very little about Them.

I am glad 2022 is almost over and I learned so much this year because of the sadness and pain it brought.

As I look forward to 2023, I know I will face new challenges and experience new joys. They go hand in hand.

Happy New Year AND

what is your word of focus for the coming year?

Radical Love

I grew up hearing the scripture, Revelation 3:15-16 , “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

As a teenager it meant I could not allow complacency to enter into my heart and mind. I needed to be zealous in my defense of the gospel. God forbid I should be accused of being lukewarm! I began reading Christian apologetics so I could logically argue with atheists and people of other faiths, to prove the inerrancy of scripture and the truth of conservative evangelical Christendom.

Ironically my studies began to stir my heart and raise more questions about the truth of the universe and our Creator. As I grew in knowledge I began to understand how little I understood, how small my comprehension was, and is. I learned the great truth professed by the best minds throughout time, “The more I learn the less I know.” Paradox (seemingly incongruent thoughts or happenings that can both be accurate) became one of my most reliable tests of truth. It was in this confusion I began to trust in the Love who made me, instead of trying to capture that Love with scriptures and throw It in a box tied tightly with lovely ribbon.

I began to see the dangers of dualistic thinking, it’s me against you, us versus them, black or white, hot or cold, with no room for the in between. Doubt became a sobering friend who reminded me to question everything. As Jung said, “Fanaticism is repressed doubt.” I remembered scriptures such as 2 Corinthians 11:14 “Satan comes as an angel of light,” and ““Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” Matthew 7:15.

I found myself becoming paranoid and distrustful of all. A zealot on the other side, out of balance yet again.

That’s when I vowed to be a moderate in all things except one. Love. God is Love. Love is never wrong.

But I’m still not very good at it.

I still judge too harshly, I still run from those who are difficult to love. I still hide out in my safe haven of family, friends, home, the familiar. My wounds still throb with pain and beckon me to “fight or fly.”

But I’m trying, and I recognize my ugly tendency of dualism which really is just a humanistic primal instinct of survival. I long to become Divine. To love the world so much I would give up myself and everything I hold dear to save it…to save even one.

That’s not lukewarm. That’s not moderate. That’s radical life changing mind blowing Love. That’s God.