Till We Have Faces

January is gone but my blues are still with me. It’s familiar territory…this seasonal depression. I know I can’t run from it. I have to ride it out and for the past 25 years of recognizing it and trying to understand it, I know it will subside and I’ll feel lighthearted again. Of course, I’ve got some added circumstances that make it more pronounced and difficult, but such is the ebb and flow of life.

We all go in and out of difficulties, sorrows, transitions, joys, contentment, etc. What matters is the constant in our daily existence. What goodness is consistently there, day by day regardless of mood, weather, or trial? I believe God is constant though our perception of God is not. As Paul so aptly wrote in 1 Corinthians, “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”

My perspective changes as I learn and grow, and unfortunately sometimes follows how I feel. If my spirit feels dark, I often feel abandoned and worthless. Yet my feelings are not my true story. They are merely a narrative that I’ve been telling myself for decades, not the truth of me.

That’s why we’re so surprised when we hear each other’s narratives. All of us have some negative theme that comes around again and again, though we show the outside world a completely different story. We mask ourselves in order to fit in and prove our worth, yet our masks make us feel like imposters and actually reiterate the negative theme we’re trying to forget. I am not only who I present, who I seem to be. The truth of me is a mix of what is seen and unseen, shared and hidden. That’s why self reflection is so imperative on our human journey. The hidden parts of ourselves are often buried deep, far away from our own awareness. We hide our true faces even from ourselves, thinking they’re too ugly to behold, yet in scripture we are told “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Song of Songs 4:7

God’s eyes see us as we are, not as we pretend to be, and we are called beautiful. Yet God knows we haven’t the eyes to see the full beauty within. We keep trying to mask our inadequacies, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses, yet it is in these very things where God reveals blinding glory and breathtaking beauty.

In closing, I’m reminded of this quote in CS Lewis’s book Till We Have Faces, “When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you’ll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

Heart Punches

My therapist recently asked me to list my “heart punches” of 2018. He knows I’m an emotional person, a cyclothymic, a moody artist who hasn’t had the time to cry in months. He wanted me to give myself permission to let the tears flow.

The irony of this is clear to all who know me well. My three boys were just joking over Christmas break about “mom’s weekly cry sessions,” reminiscing over the countless times they’ve heard me sobbing…in the bathtub, watching a movie, praying, etc.

Yes. I’m a crier and I’m not ashamed. However, working full time with other people’s children is a different kind of responsibility. I’ve had to learn to stuff my emotions in order to do my job. I have to put my students first and promote joy, peace, laughter, contentment, and stability in my classroom. My own artistic temperament must take a back seat, maybe even get stuffed in a suitcase in the trunk. This has become entirely too easy to do. I now understand how and why most people avoid tears. They’re exhausting and the energy they take is needed to put out daily fires and get things done.

I’ve recently become familiar with the Enneagram personality test. If you’re interested in finding out more you can go to https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ and take the quiz. It’s much more intricate and thorough than any other personality test I’ve taken, and I recommend studying further. It’s broken down into 9 types with secondary “wings” as well as 9 degrees of health to each type. I am a 4 which is “the individualist,” described as follows: Sensitive, Introspective Type, Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental. 4’s aren’t afraid of emotion, negative or positive. They feel more “real,” more alive when they are feeling and expressing those feelings. Yet I have a 3 wing which almost has a contradictory edge. The 3 is “the achiever,” the success-oriented, pragmatic type:

Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious. My 4 wants to be honest and introspective while my 3 cares about what others think. This can be a great combination when balanced appropriately. As of lately I’ve been off balanced and I haven’t let my tears flow, regardless of the heart punches I’ve experienced. Per my therapist’s request, here’s my list for 2018:

1. King Jon continues to hang in limbo bedridden with Alzheimer’s

2. I lost a student to a tragic road accident

3. I lost two family pets to old age, one of whom was my therapy dog

4. Our finances were cut by 35%

5. I turned 50

6. Our youngest son is graduating so we will be “empty nesters.”

It’s quite a list of transitions and stressors, but I suspect it’s similar to everyone else’s who happens to be reading this post, especially if you’re in my age group. Life is always changing and doesn’t give you time to get used to the differences before it shifts again. Luckily Christmas break has given me the time to focus inward which I so desperately need, and watching the tear jerker Marley and Me with my new lab puppy on my lap broke the dam holding back my sorrow. While crying is exhausting, I personally need to do it regularly in order to purge the ever building storm of emotion within. I can’t emphasize enough how much better I feel! Now I’m ready to face 2019, heart punches and all!

One Voice

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I think I’m entering another cocoon stage in my emotional life. There’s a ebb and flow to all things, like the waves upon the sand…times of active initiative and times of retraction and contemplation.

I started my blog a year and a half ago to help me deal with my dad’s Alzheimer’s and share some stories while I can still remember them. When you have a parent with Alzheimer’s, you have to accept what’s happening to them as well as recognize you might be looking at your own future. My Gramps, my dad, and my aunt all had/have Alzheimer’s. I have a good shot at developing it too, yet I mustn’t waste too much precious time worrying about what I can’t control. There’s a delicate balance between facing the truth and letting go. I’m again reminded of the Serenity Prayer.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I’ve been doing pretty well with all of this, though I lost my “therapy” dog and dearest friend, Gracie, to cancer. She truly had an intuitiveness concerning my moods and comforted me on a deeper level than the average family dog. Losing her in September has rocked my world, yet it’s also shown me I’m stronger than I thought I was. Life is difficult. Anyone that tells you different is either delusional or lying. As we recognize the hardships of life, I am mystified why so many of us insist on making it even harder for ourselves and others. Self-actualization helps us recognize our triggers and our hurts that often contribute heavily to our actions, reactions and decisions. Once we dedicate ourselves to growing and self-discovery we become more conscious of our daily choices which contribute to our happiness/dissatisfaction. Why do so many of us refuse to look inward and take responsibility for our choices? Isn’t life hard enough? Shouldn’t we do our part to make it a little better for ourselves and those around us? My second graders are singing a song I wrote that says,

“All it takes is one voice,

breaking through the silence

All it takes is one voice

Singing loud and clear

One voice to help a hurting heart

One voice is how we make a start

One voice can be a helping hand

Sing and they’ll understand.”

Simple words yet so hard to follow. It’s so much easier to blame someone else for our misery. Yet making the conscious choice to be kind in the midst of anger and tender in the presence of fear, can make a significant difference in the outcome. I no longer have Gracie to absorb my fears, anxieties, and grief, but I have prayer. I have the Maker of Gracie, and the Maker of me. We’re living in a world that teaches us to throw our anxieties onto others, to point a finger rather than accept responsibility. Yet we are told in scripture,

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Well, here it is. I’m casting it on God, and you readers are my witnesses. I hope to be a light in this world to my family, students, coworkers, and all I meet. I’m only one, but maybe my second graders are right…”All it takes is one voice…” Will you join me? One voice can inspire another to join in, and soon there’s a trio, quartet, an ensemble, a choir dedicated to loving and helping others.

My Lovely One

Come now , my love. My lovely one…come.

For you, the winter has passed, the snows are over and gone, the flowers appear in the land, the season of joyful songs has come.

The cooing of the turtle dove is heard in our land.

Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.

Let me see your face. And let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is beautiful.

Come now, my love. My lovely one, come. Song of Solomon 2:10-14

Brennan Manning writes in his book, The Furious Longing of God, that God’s words for you and I are the above scripture. What do you tell yourself about God’s feelings towards you?

Many times I hide my face from God, I avoid speaking to I Am. I feel abandoned and lost, shunned and unwanted. I tell myself I’m a failure and can never measure up. All lies, meant to alienate me from basking in the love and grace of my Lord. “Let me see your face.”

But Lord, it’s scarred and tear-stained, at least let me wash it off and look presentable! “Your face is beautiful.”

Honesty is beautiful. We mustn’t hide our true faces from the One who made us. When I finally do break down and expose my face, my voice, my heart to God, I truly dissolve into the little child I really am at the core of me. I envision crawling into my Abba’s lap with gentle loving arms wrapped around me as I cry out my broken-hearted tears. I wish I could say I do this often. I don’t. Like many of you, I’m very good at putting on an adult mask of efficiency, logic, strength, sensibility. Life is difficult. While I believe in the promise of redemption, this world, the “now” I live in is often unbearably painful and unjust. It’s easy to lose sight of the promise and wonder why God allows such suffering. Like Mr Potato Head in Toy Story, I put on my “angry eyes” and fiercely move forward through the rough terrain. But every so often my real face wants to be seen by its Maker, my heart has become overfilled with burdens and sorrow, and I literally collapse on the floor with child-like whimpering, “Please God I need You! I need Your assurance, Your love, Your compassion, Your grace…I can’t do this alone!” And as crazy as it sounds to a skeptic, every time I show my face I receive a lovely kiss on the forehead. A beautiful reminder that my God is with me…knows me in every intimate detail…and cares for me.

Come now , my love. My lovely one…come.

For you, the winter has passed, the snows are over and gone, the flowers appear in the land, the season of joyful songs has come.

The cooing of the turtle dove is heard in our land.

Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.

Let me see your face. And let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is beautiful.

Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.

Grief

Grieving is awful. When we’re smacked in the face with loss, and the realization hits that we are helpless to change our circumstances, tears hit like a tidal wave. Denial keeps us going most days…shoving the truth of our feelings aside and going through the motions. But a song on our playlists, or a thought of vulnerable contemplation can bring the flood of sadness back in an instant.

What are you grieving? The end of a relationship? The loss of a loved one? Your health? The state of the world? Whatever it is, you are not alone. We all have broken hearts. There’s not a sane person alive who hasn’t grieved someone or something. Grief keeps us honest with ourselves and each other. Despair prompts us to search for comfort and truth.

Today my 4th Graders analyzed a song of their choice. We discussed the time signature, the tempo, instruments used, melody, whether there was harmony, and what the lyrics mean. I told them it’s a song about not giving up no matter what hardship you’re going through. I then asked if any of them had gone through a difficult time in life. Every 9 year old hand went up. We talked about being kind to each other because we don’t always know what someone else is going through. I told them sometimes we get angry and say mean things when we’re actually very sad. No one wants to feel pain.

I have a little wood block sitting on my piano that says “Music is what feelings sound like.” It rang true today. One little boy who always wears a faraway smile and seems completely uninterested in music connected with the song we listened to and was wiping his eyes. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes, the song just reminded him of something he felt sad about. We hugged. Such is the honest human journey.

The Dark

Blood Moon over Beaver Lake, Arkansas

I’m reading Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark, and it’s resonating through every part of my soul.

I’ve often felt strange, different from other Christians. In my early 20’s I began to question much of the evangelical doctrine and almost let go of Jesus entirely, if it weren’t for a wonderful Pastor at a Congregational church who told me to take Jesus as He is, not as others present Him. I read the gospels with new eyes, my conservative glasses had been clouding my vision so much I hadn’t even thought about the fact Jesus was from the Middle East, not the Midwest!

I soon discovered author Phillip Yancey with his thoughtful and heart provoking books The Jesus I Never Knew, Searching For the Invisible God, Disappointment with God, and so many others. He was like a new friend who helped me feel less alone in my questions. I emailed him in 2007, thanking him for sharing his doubts, his faith, his experience, telling him how much it meant to me. He surprised me with a personal response, thanking me for reaching out, telling me as an introverted author he rarely felt like he was connecting with others and how much he appreciated my email. Of course his honest and vulnerable correspondence only made me love him more!

Through the years I’ve discovered other wonderful authors who have given me spiritual sustenance and relief on my faith journey. Brennan Manning with Ragamuffin Gospel, Ruthless Trust, Abba’s Child, Richard Rohr with Everything Belongs, Dr Scott Peck with Road Less Travelled, Brene Brown with The Gifts of Imperfection and Rising Strong, Anne Lamott with Stitches and Hallelujah Anyway, and now, Barbara Brown Taylor with Learning to Walk in the Dark. While the light is lovely and gives clarity, the dark is not absent of God. He created all things and is in all things, we can’t get away from Him. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬ ‭

And I believe we have much to learn in the stillness of the darkness, things that only the “dark night of the soul” can teach, though we desperately want to avoid it and often flutter like moths to any bright light whether artificial or authentic. While the dark is frightening, it has the moon and the stars, it can be quiet and restful, and it often demands our alert attention. As Rev. Taylor says, “I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light,” and “…new life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.”

The Good Parts

I’ve been listening to Andy Grammer’s latest album and the title song The Good Parts is so profound and true. Often we only show what we deem as our strengths to others and hide our vulnerabilities and pain. This song calls those personal aspects “The Good Parts.”

The Good Parts (Chorus)
Show me where it hurts and give me something real
And lead me to the part of you that never really heals
And say the words that burn when they leave your mouth
Tell me your story, but don’t leave the good parts out

As difficult as it is to share our hurts and failures, it’s a necessary ingredient to true intimacy and friendship. I’m so thankful I have so many friends and family members who have shared that kind of trust, transparency and grace with me. It’s uncomfortable to be “exposed” for who we really are, no one wants to be seen as weak or less than perfect, including me! But even while I attempt to be honest and introspective in my relationships and my writings, my own vulnerabilities sometimes sneak up on me. I still have triggers that send me back to that place of sad invisibility from childhood where I wanted to make everyone else happy and ended up completely denying my own feelings or needs. My hurt little girl comes out and in some form I might even stomp my foot and wail, “What about me??”

I know I’m not alone. Many of us are people pleasers from birth, trying so hard to make others feel good and safe and respected that we neglect to do the same for ourselves. As we grow older we realize the inner pain we have…that wound inside of feeling invisible and unheard. One thing my husband and I have learned in therapy is those old wounds never fully heal. They are a part of who we are, what makes us uniquely you and me. As we learn to be honest with ourselves and each other about our pain, we begin to see it as a beautiful deep connection to each other. Our wounds bring us closer to each other every bit as much as our joy and laughter, and these truly are “The Good Parts.”

Into the Woods

This wonderland of a world we live in is confusing. At every crossroads there’s a sign just like in Alice in Wonderland’s Tulgey Woods, “THIS WAY!”with arrows in every direction. Religion is attractive because it offers us distinct differentiated instructions to help us stay out of trouble and feel safe, but our hearts know that black and white answers don’t account for all of the grays, reds, blues, yellows, purples, oranges, greens (etc) that are in front of us.

Unfortunately many of us tend to accept the world’s view of “truth is whatever you want it to be,” until we feel hurt or mistreated. Then we become “all or nothing”, “either/or” believers. “If you’re wrong then I’m right”, “if you’re evil than I’m good.” I’ve known so many people that make a rash decision and then lash out at others like a caged animal. Some of us do the opposite. For instance,  if we’ve made a erratic choice with negative consequences we then believe WE are evil and bad and constantly berate ourselves.

News flash! “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23). 

We all are a blending of good AND evil, selfish AND unselfish, kind AND mean….we all are a mix of both…we are shades of gray and every other color imaginable. The sooner we accept this and integrate all colors of the conscious spectrum into our understanding the more honest we will be and the better relationships we will have. 

Have you ever had a friend do a complete 180 degree turn on you? One minute they treated you like you were their savior and the next you’re the devil? It’s that either/or mentality…”if you’re not for me and my causes then you’re against me!” True friendship encourages honesty and growth, it requires a balance of accountability, understanding, commitment, trust, and forgiveness. None of us are angels, nor demons. There is a cause and effect at work in all of our lives which we respond to either positively or negatively with proactive or reactive choices. None of us can completely blame our pasts for our current situations, though they contribute. I’ve known many people who have lived through unthinkable heartbreaking circumstances but chose to grow and be the change instead of accept the victim mentality, and I’ve known others who have grown up with privilege and love who have seemingly taken it for granted and chosen to be angry victims. 

No matter who we are, from where we come, who we know, what we’ve experienced…we all have a great capacity for good and evil, love and hate. We all have choices to make that will determine which path we are on, one that leads to a beautiful mountaintop or lovely valley of truth, love, hope, purpose, and joy, or one that leads further into the woods of broken relationships and heartache.

The Way of Things

I was in a bible study this morning that focused on Exodus. We were discussing the groaning and complaining of the Israelites that occurred in between all of the miracles God performed for them. They would praise Him for parting the Red Sea and for destroying Pharoah’s chariots, only to cry out for their old lives as slaves as soon as they felt hungry. God answered with manna from heaven and an abundance of pheasants. The pattern went on…from great rejoicing  to great complaining.

As the lesson continued I began to think of my own patterns with God. I have a tendency to go from crisis to crisis with hurt, fear, anger, and doubt driving me. When a prayer is answered I rejoice and express gratitude for five minutes and then immediately focus on the next hurdle. I’m beginning to recognize I’m going about life the wrong way.

Life is difficult. It is filled with pain, trials, heartache, and suffering. Who ever indicated it would be easy and carefree? Why do we seem to innately know something is amiss? We long for paradise, our hearts yearn for eternity…we know we are meant for more than this. Yet here we are and none of this is a mistake. 

This is the way of things…pain, suffering, heartache,tragedy…these are the teachers of this world. Are we learning or raging? I’m reminded of the Chinese parable of the farmer.

“A Chinese farmer gets a horse, which soon runs away. A neighbor says, “That’s bad news.” The farmer replies, “Good news, bad news, who can say?”

The horse comes back and brings another horse with him. Good news, you might say. 

The farmer gives the second horse to his son, who rides it, then is thrown and badly breaks his leg.

“So sorry for your bad news,” says the concerned neighbor. “Good news, bad news, who can say?” the farmer replies.

In a week or so, the emperor’s men come and take every able-bodied young man to fight in a war. The farmer’s son is spared.”

I want to have a better perspective on these difficulties. I want to see with God’s eyes instead of my own nearsightedness. If I am able, instead of feeling angry and hurt and abandoned maybe I will experience acceptance. Rather than expectation which almost always leads to disappointment, expectancy. Instead of a sense of self-righteous entitlement, I hope to be filled with humble gratitude. Life is difficult. None are exempt of its twists and turns, but we have each other to lean on, and we have hope in the One who has overcome.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 NIV

Holding Patterns

Have you ever been on an airplane indefinitely circling just above the city you were supposed to land in an hour before? Chicago and Atlanta seem to be notorious for such holding patterns since they’re incredibly busy airports and tend to have many delays. Well, that’s the best way I can describe how my life feels like right now in a few areas. 

Death is such an unpredictable variable. We all know we’re going to experience it, but none of us are privy to the how or when of its occurrence. We dread losing those we love, yet I’m beginning to understand some things are more difficult than one’s passing.

Take waiting for instance. Waiting can be torturous. Just watch a young child who has to wait in line for anything! Waiting is even more difficult when we’re waiting for an imminent death. My dad, King Jon, is immobile, trapped in a bed with no memories to reminisce over, stuck in a monotonous holding pattern. I’m really at a loss for the point to existing in such a way. He desperately wants to go to heaven and feels frustrated he’s not there yet. The rest of us feel the effects of his Alzheimer’s almost as if it’s contagious since it’s now even hard for us to remember what he was like before the disease ravaged his mind.

I do believe God is present and all things happen in His time, I just don’t understand the purpose to this limbo. Life and death are difficult enough to deal with, let alone this ambiguous twilight in the middle of the two. I’d like to believe that God is using this time to prepare us for the transition of a world with no King Jon, but I’ve felt prepared for over two years and counting. What else are we learning from this? I’m ready to sit down and watch old videos of King Jon before his illness, celebrating his life, but it’s too painful to do so while he’s still trapped here in his fragile mind and body. 

 I know I’m not alone in this experience. Many of you are in holding patterns of your own. Such is life…full of transitions. At least we have each other if not all the answers. Thank you for your prayers, your love, your compassion. I hope I am as comforting to you as many of you have been to me and my family through this time of trial. 

Perhaps that’s it. Maybe holding patterns teach us to let go of what we can’t control and hold onto each other, oftentimes even holding each other up. God has also promised that He will hold us in His own hand. The next time I’m on an airplane flying in circles for awhile, I will thank God it’s just a holding pattern, protecting me from crashing on the runway. Timing is important, waiting is often necessary. Holding patterns makes us think about our circumstances, share our stories with each other as we find ways to pass the time, and remind us to hold onto what’s important…each other and God’s promises.

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”

John 10:28-30