Ego

Richard Rohr says “the ego knows itself by comparison.”

I’m so tired of my ego.

I’ve missed so many learning opportunities, rich friendships, and new experiences due to my ego. Always evaluating and comparing, always threatened. I’ve had hundreds of hours of therapy over 30 years, and I still wrestle with my ego.

She is so insecure, so fragile. She’s so afraid she’s never enough or too much, and all she wants is to be welcomed appreciated and loved.

My spiritual director keeps reminding me to look at her with love and say “I see you.”

Bless.

I still try to ignore her because she embarrasses me. I don’t want to admit how insecure I am, how many hours a day I worry that people don’t like me, how I fear I’m insignificant and will die without making any difference in the world. She represents all of this and I try to stuff her in a box but she somehow escapes every time and I can’t ignore her.

“I see you. You are significant. You are worthy. I love you girl. It’s ok. Come into the light.”

I had the privilege of attending a Children’s Music Network listening party last Monday evening and I heard some of the most creative beautiful empowering fun songs for kids I’ve ever heard. I was one of them and I felt proud to be included in such a dynamic community.

Ego tried to take over and ruin it. “Where do you fit? Who’s better than you? Who’s not? Why are you even here? You’re just a clanging cymbal amongst symphonies!”

I looked at her and smiled. I said, “I see you. I love you. You are worthy. You belong. And it’s ok to acknowledge how good these other artists are. That doesn’t negate you. I see you girl. You are beloved.”

I’m going to keep seeing her and reminding her. I want to learn and grow. I want to be with people who are learning and growing. The only way to do that is to keep telling her I see her.

My ego is not my enemy. She is a frightened little girl who thinks she’s trying to protect me from pain. I need to show her I’m ok and pain is the best teacher in this world. It’s ok to hurt, to question. It’s ok to appreciate the greatness of others.

Their egos are probably struggling too.

Honesty

To be honest I don’t know if anything I do will last through one generation or even a day.

Life is so fleeting and fragile, and people(including me) are so self absorbed.

I have almost 400 students and have taught for over a decade.

Has anything I’ve said or done made an impact for lasting good on another human being?

I sure hope so but I have no idea.

Today I felt small and insignificant.

I felt like a person yelling at the top of my lungs to people behind sound proof glass.

I felt like one of Horton’s Whos on the clover, saying “we’re here we’re here we’re here!” To deaf ears.

Does anything I say or do even matter?

Again I sure hope so.

I’ll wake up tomorrow and try again. I’ll keep trying day after day till my body gives itself up to old age and decay, and I’ll finally rest my head in the ludicrousness of it all and die.

Sorry for the downer today.

It’s where I am and at least you can count on my honesty.

Horrible Awful Crappy No Good Day

I had a horrible, awful, crappy, no good day.

My 4th graders wouldn’t stop talking and gave me a headache.

My second graders wouldn’t stop talking or rolling around on the floor and continued my headache.

My first graders were angels.

My Kinders were Kinders, need I say more.

My honors choir goofed off and made me wish I wasn’t giving up my plan time twice a week.

I went home and had a session with my spiritual director. I complained I cried I meditated and I realized the song I’ve been writing this week was for my own encouragement. I hope it encourages you as well. The lyrics are as follows:

Hope lifts the soul, and it raises the spirit

Opens our eyes and our ears, can you hear it?

Calling on all who are searching for answers

Don’t let go don’t give up hope is enough

Sometimes the dark can bring fear and confusion

Doubt pushes through and may cause disillusion

Open your heart and let grace overtake you

Don’t let go don’t give up

Hope is enough

Give away joy and compassion

Always be generous with grace

Be kindness and love in action

Let go of your worries release your pain hold on to faith

You are a light to the world all around you

Hold it up high let it’s brightness surround you

You are the hope that inspires so many

Don’t give up don’t give in

Keep that beautiful spark from within

Hope is enough!

I had a horrible awful crappy no good day. Some days are like that, no matter where you are.

Planks and Splinters

I’ve had a lot of years, even decades, filled with joy and life.

The past twelve months have been more about difficulties and death, such as finally losing my dad in February after a long battle with Alzheimer’s, almost losing Mike’s mom in the spring of ‘21, having her move in with us and now her passing on June 24, 2022, just a couple of weeks after taking her on her dream cruise to Alaska.

It’s been quite a year.

As I’ve been reflecting on death, I’ve been examining my own heart. I have heard a lot of Christians through the years talk about how fearful they are of their loved ones not going to heaven because they haven’t gone to church or prayed the sinner’s prayer.

I used to have that same fear, until I started scratching the surface of learning just how big God’s love is.

Knowing how much I love my own kids and grandkids, and that I would do anything, absolutely anything to ensure their safety and salvation, and then coming to the understanding that my love is a drop in a bucket compared to God’s ocean of love.

This week I’ve been asking myself, “Who do I really want in heaven?” And the answer made me realize I have a long way to go before I love like God loves.

How much time do we spend deciding who is worthy of salvation? Hitler is usually where most of us draw the line…surely you can’t torture and kill millions and still be forgiven! Yet as I get older and think more about my own expiration date, I remember Jesus’s words more often.

““Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Matthew 7:1-2

Do I want to be judged according to how I judge? I better quit judging then! In fact, if I am to be more like Jesus, shouldn’t I want everyone, every one, to experience salvation? If I am holding even an ounce of hate in my heart for another, I am not loving like Jesus does. He who hung on a cross and begged, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Do I always know what I’m doing and why? Will I want to try to justify my actions when I stand before God or will I fall to my knees weeping, or just simply run into his arms?

Back to the previous question, who do I really WANT in heaven? If the answer is anything but “everything and everyone,” I am not loving enough.

I am not loving like God loves.

So maybe I need to read the next few verses of Matthew 7 and make them my focus instead of worrying about anyone else’s salvation.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Matthew 7:3-5

Remember, if we feel afraid for our loved ones, fear is never of God. We must pray, for them and for ourselves. We must focus on loving ourselves and others better each day.

There will never come a day in this lifetime when I love as perfectly as God does…so that means the plank in my eye will always be there as I live and breathe, which means I will never have time to worry about someone else’s splinter!

Further Up and Further In

Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies. We lie to ourselves. We lower our expectations and tell ourselves it’s all we can hope for.

We fear discomfort and failure so we convince ourselves to stay comfortable within the confines of our four walls, only picking low hanging fruit for sustenance.

We keep ourselves from venturing out into the untamed wilderness, convinced that we wouldn’t enjoy the constant learning, pivoting, moving through new territories.

We subconsciously surround ourselves with people that are just a bit less creative, even less stable, in order to feel like the healthier ones and stay safe in our small constructed boxes. We feed our egos with over sugared dreams and fantasies instead of trudging through the murk and mire of the tedious and meticulous work it takes to really do something significant.

Until we tire of it all.

Until we wake up and realize life is short and days are numbered. Talent and intelligence fade with aging bodies and minds.

As the Ghost of Christmas Present says in A Christmas Carol, “There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you’re not there any more.”

Life is difficult.

Anything worth doing is hard.

Dipping a toe in the water will never teach us to swim. All in! It’s time to jump in! ALL IN!

In CS Lewis’s The Last Battle, there’s a chapter titled Further Up and Further In. It is the unicorn that sums up this experience of being in the new more real Narnia.

“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been look- ing for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that is sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee- hee! Come further up, come further in!”

He then shook his mane and sprang forward into a great gal- lop — a Unicorn’s gallop, which, in our world, would have carried him out of sight in a few moments. But now a

most strange thing happened. Everyone else began to run, and they found, to their astonishment, that they could keep up with him: not only the Dogs and the humans but even fat little Puzzle and short-legged Poggin the Dwarf. The air flew in their faces as if they were driving fast in a car without a windscreen. The country flew past as if they were seeing it from the windows of an express train. Faster and faster they raced, but no one got hot or tired or out of breath.

The new one was a deeper country: every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more.

I love that last line, “every rock and flower and blade of grass looked as if it meant more.”

I believe it all means more.

More than what we pretend it does. More than what we accept for ourselves. More than half-heartedness or toe-dippings.

All in.

I don’t know what you’ve been lying to yourself about. I’m only beginning to know my own delusions, constructed to protect me from presumed failure and rejection. Lies.

And who is the author of lies? How sad that my very heart has listened and believed such deception. Anytime we hear the voice of condemnation that says “You are just a fraud, you are not of value, you have nothing to offer, you should settle for whatever comes your way”we must push beyond and demand more of ourselves, through blood sweat and tears to the place of our longing, deep within our hearts…

we are meant for more than this….

further up and further in.

What’s Your Focus?

Germany Kent, author of The Hope Handbook, writes,

“You become what you digest into your spirit. Whatever you think about, focus on, read about, talk about, you’re going to attract more of into your life.”

My experience has found this to be true. My husband and oldest son both own Tesla’s and consume a steady diet of Tesla Info videos every day. If you have any, ANY, questions about owning a Tesla…I know people who can answer them.

My middle son lives and breathes social justice and reform, and if you want an education on both, I’ll get you in touch.

My youngest son spends many hours as a gamer/streamer and is getting a degree in film studies, so again, if you have an interest, I know someone you can talk to.

I myself am a pop psych and enneagram junkie, constantly reading and listening to podcasts such as This Jungian Life, The Enneagram Journey, and Typology, so if you need an wannabe psychoanalyst or armchair typologist I’m your gal.

We all have special interests, and often they only last for a season. In my early 20’s I was going to be a famous country singer with my Karr Sisters trio. By 26 I was going to be a CCM star, and by 28 had moved our family to Nashville while I toured and sang back up for a signed artist. At 30 I panicked and thought every decision I’d made in my early 20’s led me to being disappointed and so I thought I should leave my husband of 10 years, give up custody of our two children, and keep touring and singing for Jesus. Luckily I decided to go to therapy instead.

Now, you might be rolling your eyes at how crazy the above paragraph sounds but if you sit down and analyze your years from 18-30 I bet you’d have a very colorful eye-rolling story yourself, so let’s not judge each other.

My point is, most of us have unrealistic dreams and idealistic views when we’re young and as we get older our ego-self becomes more transparent and fragile. We begin to see the difference between our delusions and reality, and that’s the basis of the identity crisis that usually takes place anywhere from 30 to 40. It’s a scary feeling when you begin to question every decision made in your youth that has been laid as groundwork to build your future self on. You begin to question past present and future and can either become paralyzed with indecision or erratic and rash as you jump from one position to the next without rationally thinking things through.

This generation of twenty somethings is no different than the rest of us. They just have more confusing norms to experiment with and choose from, but since we’re all humans I believe that textbook crisis/transition comes no matter how progressive we believe we are at 20.

Something else we can count on no matter our age? Life is difficult. Pandemics, global warming, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, wars, racism, political arguments, hate, etc. have been happening in every generation and will continue until the earth is gone. Life has, is, and always will be difficult. Crisis is frightening yet it is a great opportunity for learning and growth. As Dr Scott Peck said in The Road Less Traveled(which I recommend to all ages from 20-120), “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

So what are we “digesting into our spirits” during this time of unrest and upheaval? This is an important question as I believe Germany Kent is correct, “Whatever you think about, focus on, read about, talk about, you’re going to attract more of into your life.”

If we are focusing on the disasters and chaos, we will attract more. If we are focusing on pointing our fingers and judging everyone else, we can count on the same. If we are turning off social media and tv, and spending time praying, meditating, and being a part of the beauty around us, we will find an abundance.

“But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

Deuteronomy 4:29

June is Coming…and the Grass isn’t Greener

I have cyclothymia. “A mood disorder that causes emotional highs and lows.The mood shifts in cyclothymia aren’t as extreme as those in people with bipolar disorders. People with cyclothymia can typically function in daily life, though it may be difficult.” Cyclothymia is considered rare, most likely because those that have it are able to function without severe swings or consequences, so we don’t often seek out help. We tend to be creative and theatrical and are often labeled “temperamental artists” which seems to explain away our moodiness in an acceptable manner. I personally have been able to handle my issues through therapy and faith, and with the help of a loving support system of family and friends.

Depending upon my anxiety level and mood, my perspective on life is usually much better or worse than reality. When I’m feeling secure and happy, I feel almost invincible. It’s a euphoric confidence that has me on top of the world, like nothing can stop me from being all I’m meant to be. I tend to laugh and talk too loud, get creative ideas, and exercise a lot. My best moments as a teacher have been during these creative bursts of energy.

On the other end of the spectrum, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to talk myself off of the ledge before spiraling into full on panic. My pulse races my stomach lurches, I feel like I’m going to throw up and faint at the same time…and it’s usually because I’m convinced one of my people…one of my inner circle, has died. I don’t fully calm down until I hear directly from whoever I’ve focused my fears on.

It must be wonderful to just feel balanced. I’m only 53 and I’m exhausted by my inner angst, let alone real life. I’m thankful for my loving and understanding family and friends and for therapy which has helped me identify my tendencies and be conscious of what’s happening to me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

We all have something, some thorn of the flesh as the Apostle Paul called it, some sort of baggage that can either weigh us down or help prepare and guide us on our journey.

I love 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

When we come to terms with who we are…everything that makes us individually us…and become conscious of our strengths and weaknesses, we can truly be all we are called to be. I have cyclothymia, and I am me. It is a part of me but is not my full definition. I once heard a pastor say if we had the opportunity to leave our baggage and pick up someone else’s (like a backpack), most of us would choose to take our own back again. It is familiar and I already know what I’m dealing with. I wouldn’t wish it on another and I have already worked so hard to carry it in a balanced way, so much that it has helped me grow and learn along the path of life. Though sometimes I do wonder what it feels like to not feel so deeply that I think I might fall into the dark abyss of my own moods and emotions. But I do believe the saying that the grass is always greener…so I won’t wish for things I know nothing about. I will continue to walk the path I am on and be thankful for those who choose to walk alongside.

The Journey is the Destination

I remember when I first started therapy long ago, I had the expectation that I was going to fix myself. With my grit determination and desire for truth I was going to rid myself of all the unconscious actions and negative feelings, I was going to eventually right all my wrongs. Unfortunately one of life’s most difficult lessons is that no matter how much you want to change, no matter how hard you try to fix the intimate deep scars all over your soul, you can’t. Scars are left for a reason. They are permanent damage created by pain that can never be undone. The scar itself is part of the healing process, and is a reminder of the significant happening.

There’s no such thing as arriving on the journey of self discovery. We just notice special mementos along the way that help us mark the path so we can measure how far we’ve come and maybe, just maybe others can find their way a little easier. When we see them with new eyes, scars can be some of those markings of remembrance instead of ugly mistakes. Scars can be sacred altars. I have both physical and emotional scars that remind me I am who I am partly because of my experiences and my responses to those experiences.

For instance, I have a visible scar on my right forearm left by the excited claw of our then 1 year old Shiba Inu, Wally. It bled and hurt for several days and now years later is a silvery/white line that forever connects me with Wally who lived 14 years and left us over two years ago. I’m thankful for his visible mark left on my arm as it connects me to the invisible mark he left on my heart and soul.

Our scars are not just ugly mistakes that we need to cover up or try to expunge. Our scars connect us to the vulnerable places of our hearts which are holy, reminding us of our sadness, our helplessness, our brokenness, and it is here we find the sacred…where we look for and find God. It’s here where we admit we don’t have all the answers.

I am broken-hearted, but not broken. I feel despair but still find hope. I am scarred and wounded, but I choose to be open and vulnerable. In my weakness, God is strong, and somehow I become stronger in this acceptance of damage and vulnerability. In this time of uncertainty and distrust my prayer is that we all will talk and post less and listen more, that we will evaluate and examine our hearts for prejudices and defensiveness and let others see our scars and vulnerabilities, that we will stop trying so hard to be right and strive to be compassionate instead. We all are on difficult individual journeys, and we need each other’s company and companionship along the way. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey,” with all of its twists and turns, unexpected joys and pitfalls, and marks along the way.

New Reality

Listen…life has dramatically changed…yes. We are in an unprecedented time of crisis…and reflection. Luckily the government is going to send us checks to keep us from despairing completely, so let’s stop and think. What can we gain from this craziness? What can we learn? Why are we so afraid of the quiet? Our own thoughts? Busyness keeps us from thinking, analyzing, reassessing. We’re afraid of all of the above because we’re afraid of facing truth, yet, as Jesus said, “the truth will set you free.”

If you are now at home with your children because school is shut down, think about why you ever had kids in the first place. Was it status quo? An accident?

They are your people….the ones in this big world you are directly having an effect on. They love you and depend on you. In fact, psychologists say you are their first picture of God. Wow. Kind of makes you want to stop and think doesn’t it? This difficult time doesn’t have to be hell on earth. It will be what we make of it. If we choose to reflect, to change, to grow and learn, this pandemic can help us be better parents, better people. As Dr, Scott Peck said in the first line of his bestseller The Road Less Travelled, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult.”

We can’t control COVID19 and what’s happening around us, but we can control our response to it all. Life as we know it has changed dramatically. What can we gain from this moment of forced reflection? What good can come from it? If we stop raging against the unfairness and injustice of it all and start focusing on what we can change, what we can be thankful for, maybe we will learn something from this experience that will alter our way of life in a positive way. I’m an elementary music teacher who already is grieving the lost time with students, not getting to say goodbye to my graduating 5th graders, and missing our 4th and 5th grade programs that they were working so diligently on!!! I’m sad…but I want you parents to realize the opportunity you have…As a teacher I choose to be with your kids every day as my profession and that is now taken from me and given back to you. Please see it as an opportunity filled with learning and love and relationship. And tell them how much you love them! And tell them that their music teacher misses them beyond words!!!❤️

Did You Get the Memo??

To those who read my musings, thank you! I ramble, I sometimes go down crazy rabbit holes of thought, and I probably often come across as self-focused, because let’s face it, I am. I used to think I couldn’t possibly be self-absorbed because I’m much too insecure and self-deprecating but now I realize insecurity actually breeds self-absorption. If I’m constantly thinking I’m not good enough and I don’t measure up, who am I focusing on?? ME! Though most of my contemplation is bent on self-improvement, the word self is still half the phrase. So in my nature of self-analysis, here I go again! 😆😩🤪

I’ve had an epiphany of sorts recently about my biggest vice. I don’t think I’ve ever truly called it what it is. I’ve downplayed the seriousness, the gravity, the severity of its presence. I’ve called it other “nicer” more palatable names such as insecurity, negativity, and frustration, but the real title of my most innate and carnal sin is pure, unfiltered envy.

Even as a child I remember feeling out of place, like I was behind a beat, out of sync, almost like I’d “missed the memo”. Frequent lifetime inner monologue: “My God what did the memo say? Why didn’t anyone send it to me?? What am I supposed to be doing right now??” Since I’ve never seen the actual slip of paper I can’t be certain of its message but I’m pretty sure it describes in detail how to act, how to be, how to communicate, how to have confidence, how to be “in the know”, basically how to make the most of your abilities and succeed in the world!

Why didn’t I get the memo?

I’ve spent a lifetime pretending like I know what I’m doing, like I deserve to be seen and heard, all the while silently screaming “Don’t see me! Don’t look! Don’t hear me! Don’t listen!” And then wondering why I feel invisible and unimportant. This feeling of inadequacy and insecurity festers and becomes pure concentrated envy of those who seem to have gotten the memo. I can’t even count how many times I’ve whined and cried to God over how invisible I am and how frustrated I feel, like I’m locked in a sound proof steel box singing and writing for no one to hear. How do other people get seen and heard? Why do they have the drive, the gumption, the ego, the nerve, the stamina, the consistency, the confidence…where can I get some of that???

Envy…the color associated is green…though green can also portray a healthy life. To be “green with envy” presents a sickness to the point of nausea. Oh how I wish I was in the know, one of the chosen few, sometimes I even feel jealous of narcissists!!! I’ve actually had the thought, “ It must feel really good to think you’re the center of the universe.” Wow…the truth can be ugly.

Why am I admitting this after all of these years? Because I’ve just recently come to terms with it. I always thought God had forgotten about me. For some reason I was supposed to get the memo but it never made it to my desk. Truth is, I’m afraid to read it. I think I’ve had it in my hands a few times and crumpled it or dropped it, maybe shoved it in a drawer, thinking it was meant for someone else.

Hilarious! We really are our own worst enemies! We sabotage our greatest hopes and dreams because we don’t believe we’re good enough. Yet God says “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”Isaiah 43:1 and “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11 and ““Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”Isaiah 43:18-19

Thank you my dear readers for giving your precious time to my rants and musings. I leave you today with a prayer, self-focused though it may be…😩

“Oh God, forgive my self-focus, my self-doubt, my self. Thank You for Your hope, Your Grace, Your love, Your redemption. Help me to set my eyes on You and Your purpose alone and to quit comparing myself to your other children. Help me to believe in You and what You can do through me as much as You believe in me.”