Big

I haven’t written a post for a few months because I’ve been busy marketing my first children’s album Watch Me Grow (streaming everywhere) and writing songs for my next children’s album to be produced this summer.

Last November I went to Boston to attend the Children’s Music Network conference and was blown away by the amazing talent and warmth of so many music artists. It was an overwhelming experience to feel the intimidation of being with such creative and successful people yet feel completely accepted and encouraged by all I met. Once I got back to Wichita I had to take time to process the whole experience.

One of my conversations with Symon Haijar (Hot Toast Music Co.)led to the writing of my title song for my next album, Big. We were discussing how children don’t always know what they are feeling and how to process emotions and I blurted out, “It’s not just kids! We’re all so much bigger than our bodies can hold!”

The more I thought about it, I realized the truth of it. Our physical bodies are small and limiting compared to our spirits. I feel comforted recognizing this as I think about loved ones such as my dad and my mother in law who have left their frail physical bodies and I feel their absence in my gut every moment of every day. Their spirits were much too big to have simply disappeared into nothingness, and I know they exist, just in a different form beyond my comprehension.

Think of all of the times you have felt overwhelmed with emotion in your lifetime. Your poor little body can’t handle the bigness of you and your eye ducts leak, your heart races, your head feel faint, etc. our minds and spirits can actually send our bodies into shock that can lead to death! I see these things as signs that we are much more than we know or understand. We are so big…bigger than our bodies can hold.

Ego

Richard Rohr says “the ego knows itself by comparison.”

I’m so tired of my ego.

I’ve missed so many learning opportunities, rich friendships, and new experiences due to my ego. Always evaluating and comparing, always threatened. I’ve had hundreds of hours of therapy over 30 years, and I still wrestle with my ego.

She is so insecure, so fragile. She’s so afraid she’s never enough or too much, and all she wants is to be welcomed appreciated and loved.

My spiritual director keeps reminding me to look at her with love and say “I see you.”

Bless.

I still try to ignore her because she embarrasses me. I don’t want to admit how insecure I am, how many hours a day I worry that people don’t like me, how I fear I’m insignificant and will die without making any difference in the world. She represents all of this and I try to stuff her in a box but she somehow escapes every time and I can’t ignore her.

“I see you. You are significant. You are worthy. I love you girl. It’s ok. Come into the light.”

I had the privilege of attending a Children’s Music Network listening party last Monday evening and I heard some of the most creative beautiful empowering fun songs for kids I’ve ever heard. I was one of them and I felt proud to be included in such a dynamic community.

Ego tried to take over and ruin it. “Where do you fit? Who’s better than you? Who’s not? Why are you even here? You’re just a clanging cymbal amongst symphonies!”

I looked at her and smiled. I said, “I see you. I love you. You are worthy. You belong. And it’s ok to acknowledge how good these other artists are. That doesn’t negate you. I see you girl. You are beloved.”

I’m going to keep seeing her and reminding her. I want to learn and grow. I want to be with people who are learning and growing. The only way to do that is to keep telling her I see her.

My ego is not my enemy. She is a frightened little girl who thinks she’s trying to protect me from pain. I need to show her I’m ok and pain is the best teacher in this world. It’s ok to hurt, to question. It’s ok to appreciate the greatness of others.

Their egos are probably struggling too.

Can You Imagine

Mike and I just spent five days in NYC again and it was epic. The highlights were Smoke Jazz Club and Dizzy’s. 78 year old legendary jazz pianist George Cables just happened to be playing at Smoke and Lucy Yeghiazaryan was at Dizzy’s and I was in heaven. These two musical geniuses were beautiful and inspiring as they both honed in on their crafts and just lived in the moment, gracing those of us lucky enough to be there. It was quite a contrast to some of the other shows we saw. I don’t want to give negative reviews to anyone so I’ll keep it ambiguous, but Saturday I saw an off broadway shtick that was advertised as comedy and really was at its core nihilistic cynicism. It left me with a feeling of sadness and despair and I realized today as I was debriefing with my spiritual director it’s because it completely contradicts one of my core beliefs.

I don’t know much of anything. I don’t have the answers to the universe and all there is in it, yet somehow for some reason, I was born with the compelling thought that every single person ever born into this world matters.

A lot.

Infinitely matters.

So much that it can’t be quantified or calculated. In my soul I hear songs about how amazing and special you are, how if you only realized what you mean to the entire universe you would be blown away.

And this comedian was contradicting that thought at every turn. There was some truth in the message and I thought she might bring it around to hope, yet she didn’t. She ended it with fluff nihilism. Now that may seem like a contradiction. Some would argue nihilism cannot be fluffy. I disagree. When a person ends a show titled Death Let Me Do My Show with atheism and dark superficial jokes, they have definitely missed a deeper potential wrap up. I don’t mean you have to believe in God to say something meaningful. I’ve studied many deep thoughtful atheists who are still very careful with their words.

Death is imminent. Death sucks. Death of our loved ones seems absurd. This is why we all struggle with it so much, regardless of our belief, religion, culture, race, gender, etc. I want to be very clear here. I am a Christian in the sense I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God and has reconciled all of creation to God. I am an agnostic on most days. Tbh, I don’t know much of anything. I only know my core purpose is to give hope and love and joy and laughter to whoever will stop and listen.

I am very careful with my words. According to the most ancient religions and traditions, words actually bring things into existence. Let me say that again in a different way…

your words make things happen.

If your words are dark and nihilistic and hopeless they will bring about that which is dark and nihilistic and hopeless.

If your words are edifying, loving, hopeful, joyful, honest, and uplifting, they will bring the like.

I don’t know why bad…no…I don’t know why horrific and unspeakable things happen, and in this lifetime I will never make sense of it.

I choose life, I choose laughter, I choose joy, I choose to believe the moon in all this darkness reflects the light of a very real sun that I hope to someday see.

I love CS Lewis’s The Magician’s Nephew in the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan calls Narnia into being with a song of very powerful words.

In the darkness something was happening at last. A voice had begun to sing… the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. It was so beautiful he could hardly bear it… Then two wonders happened at the same moment. One was that the voice was suddenly joined by other voices; more voices than you could possibly count. They were in harmony with it, but far higher up the scale: cold, tingling, silvery voices. The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars. They didn’t come out gently one by one, as they do on a summer evening. One moment there had been nothing but darkness; next moment a thousand, thousand points of light leaped out… If you had seen and heard it…, you would have felt quite certain that it was the stars themselves which were singing, and that it was the First Voice, the deep one, which had made them appear and made them sing…

I don’t know much of anything but I believe my words matter.

I use them carefully.

I teach music to elementary students, some have lots of encouragement from home, others don’t have a home. I feel my purpose in this life is to say to each one of them “You matter! You are unique and special and if you didn’t exist the world would be less bright.” I realized as I sat listening to this sad confused comedian that I actually want to share that message with everyone I meet, not just children. I wish I could give that message to her and that she would receive it.

As my song Can You Imagine states from the Watch Me Grow album:

“Can you imagine

all the things that you could do

if you just realize

there’s only one amazing you?

You’re special in this world

from other boys and girls

cause you’re the only you that’s alive

It’s time to recognize your worth!

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine!”

Can you?

Watch Me Grow

I’ve been working on a 10 song children’s album that originally was going to be titled Can You Imagine. As the album evolved it became clear to me the overlying theme is Watch Me Grow. I wrote the title song in June when a dear friend and colleague suggested I needed an interactive song to encourage physical activity. I didn’t realize until I’d written it and sung through it a few times that it actually is a universal truth and not just a children’s song. Here are the lyrics:

Watch Me Grow

A long time ago I was just a baby

I didn’t even know my name

and then I learned to crawl and walk and talk

And the world just wasn’t the same.

I remember feeling proud and strong.

That’s when my heart started singing this song

raise your hands up high

stomp your feet down low,

raise them up to the sky

now touch them down to your toes

Raise your hands up high

Clap them 123 whoa whoa

and make sure you don’t close your eyes

so you can watch me grow.

I am still a kid and I’ll keep on growing

no matter how tall I get

cause thinking is growing and it feels good just knowing

there’s so much I haven’t learned yet

now I still am feeling proud and strong.

I want the whole world to sing this song

raise your hands up high

Stomp your feet down low,

raise them up in the Sky,

Now touch them down to your toes

raise your hands up high

Clap them 123 whoa whoa

and make sure you don’t close your eyes

so you can watch me grow

watch me grow

watch me grow

watch me grow!

The realization happened when I was recording a rough vocal for my producer. I began to cry as I sang the second verse about thinking is growing and it feels good just knowing there’s so much I haven’t learned yet.

So much I haven’t learned yet.

Life is humbling and ironic. As we age we begins to realize how little we understand and how short our time is. HL Mencken wrote that the basic fact about human existence is not a tragedy but that it’s a bore. When we lose the wonder of it all, boredom stalks us at every angle.

I believe the following is an eternal truth

“And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This is how I found my love for singing and songwriting again. Being with God’s people, children. They don’t doubt everything yet, they still believe in magic, in happy endings. Cynicism hasn’t taken over their hearts. Let us be like them. We don’t have to know everything. We can rest in the mystery of life, of love, of compassion. And as we humble ourselves something truly mystical happens, no matter our physical age, we grow. This is why my song is universal. I’m still growing, and I hope I always will be.

Watch Me Grow! Will be my second single release on all streaming platforms in January. Please look for it as well as my first release My Sunshine on October 20th. Add them to you playlists and download if you enjoy them! Thanks for your support!

Thought for the Day

EnneaThought® for the Day(from The Enneagram Institute)

Type Four EnneaThought®

Universal Inner Work insight: When we are working on ourselves, we may feel compassionate and strong, patient and wise, indomitable and of great value. This is who we actually are. It is the “I” beyond name, without personality—our True Nature. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 37)

I rarely feel the above. Two days ago I did in its fullest. I was with my tribe of women, we call our group Tipsy Talks(you know who you are), and somebody mentioned how my boys struggled with the degree of emotions I had as they were growing up. I felt nothing but love and compassion and acceptance. Yes! My boys suffered some trauma from my emotional outbursts. I’m sorry they did, and I can’t do anything to correct it. I’m glad they still realize how much I love them, have always loved them.

As a deep feeler, I must say, what a beautiful feeling it is to own the truth of who I am. I am a flawed human. I have deeply hurt those I love most. I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve added to your already burdened life. AND…I know it was the best I could do in the moment. I love you and am striving for better every day.

As we talked more about it I was able to rationally think through the emotions I threw onto my kids and just thank God I didn’t yell profanity or physically abuse them in any way. Sheesh. Life is hard. Motherhood is impossible. Yet somehow we do it anyway.

I of course wish I could’ve been a perfect mom. We know this is unattainable. I’m so glad I was a loving mom. My boys know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Am I still over-emotional? Yep. I’m thankful I’m surrounded by people who love me anyway AND I’m still working on loving and accepting myself so my emotions don’t end up exploding onto others.

Mental and emotional growth can be measured by our acceptance of reality. As we learn to own our pain and our failings objectively we can then let go of them and move forward. When we deny our faults and mistakes we also deny our growth and the potential intimacy we can experience with our loved ones.

This is why I love the Enneagram. The deeper we study the more we learn that our number can be the false self we hide behind. As we learn our true nature and begin to accept ourselves the way the Divine does, our greatest weaknesses become our greatest strengths. (And if you haven’t guessed, this is why I used the ugliest most honest picture of me I could find. That’s me at my core. And I love her just the way she is😂)

Everything

I recently told my spiritual director I wanted to be more aware of my ego, which in terms of the enneagram 4 is best expressed by my consistent mixed internal message of “you are not enough” AND “you are too much!”

I told her I wanted to recognize my ego reaction to feeling this inadequacy and stop it in its tracks. I wanted to reject the negative insecurities and stand in confidence.

She said “any rejection of self is the wrong path.”

Any rejection of self is the wrong path.

Sigh.

This statement is completely opposite of what I was taught in church. “Self is sinful, self is carnal and wrong.” I tried for years to deny myself and shove her in a box without air-holes but she refused to be suffocated. I have rejected her, shown her repulsion and disgust, yet she still remains cowering in the shadows.

My spiritual director asked me what would be best to say to my fragile ego, my shadow self?

I couldn’t say.

She said, how about speaking to her they way you would to a frightened child?

“I see you, I love you, and you are worthy.”

I see you.

I love you.

You are worthy.

God sees you and loves you and says you are worthy.

Christ sees you and loves you and shows you that you are priceless, worthy of the ultimate sacrifice.

Spirit says I see you, I love you, you are mine.

Sigh.

Hey, you! Sweet little girl in the shadows. I see you.

Come out in the light.

Bless you my sweet little frightened child.

I love you. You are beautiful just the way you are.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

In fact, you are everything.

In fact, if you were the only one lost, I would come looking for you, I would leave everything and everyone else and risk my life to find you.

I see you. I love you. You are worthy.

Church

I went to church today, just like I do everyday.

The light pouring through the geometric shards above created such vibrant colors.

The Spirit whirled around me, giving me breath, peace, restoration.

The stillness called for me to bow my head in quiet reverence and gratitude.

My companion’s steady presence reminded me of God’s love, always walking with me, enveloping me.

The beautiful music was both joyful and mournful, celebrating all the nuances of life, as joy and sorrow cannot be felt without the understanding of the other.

I was in the presence of the Lord and I felt beloved.

This is the sacred place, my church, where I am accepted as I am and welcomed with open arms.

No wonder why I begin every day here in this holy place.

Love Mentality

God is love.

What in the world does that mean?

I think it means stop judging.

If we feel compelled to assess someone else’s spirituality, we should stop and love them instead. If we cringe when someone is expressing where they are spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, we need to recognize we are not loving them where they are which means you and I are not as holy as we think we are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Many of us think we know how to love. I would argue we’re actually better at judging than loving. Love does not, DOES NOT, dishonor others. What about those of other faiths, of nonbelievers, of the outright heathen? Love DOES NOT dishonor others, regardless of their race, culture, gender, faith, you name it. If love does not dishonor, then love must HONOR….that is show respect…to those of all races, cultures, beliefs, faiths, genders, etc. Respect is an act of humility. It is an understanding that we are no better than another and have much to learn from those we encounter.

Respect and love are extremely difficult. I have not met many Christians who edify these traits.

If you are reading this today and identify as a Christian, please contemplate this and do better.

We tend to hang out together in our churches and unconsciously live in cult mentality. I challenge you to become conscious and live in love mentality. It’s very different from the norm. Especially the religious norm. Love one another. Love is the greatest of these. Love.

Paradox

There is a saying that truth is found in paradox and contradiction. I first heard this saying from my sister Teri. She was always wrestling with the darkness as she was longing for light. In fact she wrote about the dance of joy and sorrow in her book Next Bright Thing.

“Be still, and know that joy and sorrow are dance partners

When one leads the other follows

Each knows the steps of the divine being human

Do not attempt to force one to take the lead when it’s the others turn

When the music ends be joyful

You did not miss the dance.”

Teri understood paradox. She understood we cannot comprehend joy without sorrow, sorrow without joy. She was familiar with paradox because she was paradoxical.

My sister, Teri, was 7 years 4 months and 10 days older than me. From my youngest years I remember thinking she was both beautiful and scary. Even as a young child I felt how volatile her emotions were and I learned how to tip toe and tap dance in our relationship. She could sing. She could act. She was gorgeous. I worshiped her. I wanted to be just like her. For some reason she never thought she was beautiful enough. She was Miss Indiana 1980 and in my eyes she was Miss America. Shortly after her reign she didn’t like cameras and started hiding her face whenever pictures were taken.

I do remember she gave really good, thoughtful gifts. We shared a love of all things Fall and Halloween, and of everything related to Christmas.

She also challenged religious norms and rules. She wrestled with her faith and asked hard questions, never settling for trite easy answers. She inspired me to think, which stirred my soul and started my searching for truth beyond conventional thinking. She often called me her “theological sparring partner.”

She caused a lot of heartache in our family, and in me.

I was afraid of her.

I loved her deeply.

She was a complex person and my feelings for her and about her are complex.

There is no duality in my relationship with her.

No either or.

She was both beautiful and ugly, fun and frightening, kind and cruel. She was quite simply a paradox.

We all are to some degree, yet she had a burning intensity. We were estranged for decades.

My sister, Teri Kardatzke Estes has let go of her physical body and mind and I hope she is finally truly at peace and completely immersed in joy! I hope she is laughing with my dad and singing at the top of her lungs with her beautiful voice. She no longer feels fear, rage, or insecurities. She has no need to lash out at anyone. She finally knows herself as beloved, and I have nothing but love in my heart for her.

I forgive you Teri.

Thank you for forgiving me too. I have missed you for a very long time.

I love you always and you will forever be my sister.

Moonglow

A few months ago my spiritual director told me I have “moon energy.” I asked her what that meant, and she said that some people are like the sun, constantly generating their own light and energy, but I am a moon that reflects the light. It gave me goosebumps. I love God with all of my heart soul body and mind. I’ve known God loves me since I was 3 years old, yes I remember at that tender age I felt beloved.

February 25, 2022, the night my dad died, actually early morning, I drove to his nursing home at 3:40 am and saw a surreal, huge orange moon in the sky as Citizen’s Way’s song Love Has Won (which I had never heard before) was playing, and I knew it was a message from Dad that all is well.

Understandably the moon has a great spiritual significance to me. A few weeks ago I wrote a lullaby called Moonglow, and I now know I wrote it to my little self…my precious little girl inside of me. I’m a 55 year old grandma and I still have my little girl heart inside of me, longing to be seen and loved for who I am. She’s often scared and lonely, sometimes she feels abandoned and forgotten and I wanted to tell her how very much I love her. I see her. She’s worth being seen and being valued. She is beloved. I am beloved.

You are beloved.

Last night there was an incredible full moon and I woke up at 4 am to go find it. I drove out where there were no street lights and I played my lullaby as I watched the beautiful Moonglow, and I loved and felt loved.

Beloved, know yourself. You are worthy as you are. You are God’s beloved as you are, right now. Absorb that light…the Moonglow into your spirit.

If you would like to hear the lullaby, it’s on my YouTube channel at https://youtu.be/HQ_n_WX9TT4

Moonglow

When I am in the dark

I often feel afraid

As I look at the night sky

There’s a familiar friend

Shining her beams again

And my fear fades in her light

There’s one thing that I know

I’ll never be alone

In the moon glow

The beautiful beams let me know

No matter where I am

She’s lighting up my path

She’s my moon glow

reflecting the sun

So I’ll know

No fear of my own shadow

In the Moon glow

Her beauty shines so bright

My very own nightlight

And I watch with wonder

No need to be afraid

Her gentle loving aid

Blankets me in comfort

There’s one thing that i know,

I’ll never be alone.