Everything

I recently told my spiritual director I wanted to be more aware of my ego, which in terms of the enneagram 4 is best expressed by my consistent mixed internal message of “you are not enough” AND “you are too much!”

I told her I wanted to recognize my ego reaction to feeling this inadequacy and stop it in its tracks. I wanted to reject the negative insecurities and stand in confidence.

She said “any rejection of self is the wrong path.”

Any rejection of self is the wrong path.

Sigh.

This statement is completely opposite of what I was taught in church. “Self is sinful, self is carnal and wrong.” I tried for years to deny myself and shove her in a box without air-holes but she refused to be suffocated. I have rejected her, shown her repulsion and disgust, yet she still remains cowering in the shadows.

My spiritual director asked me what would be best to say to my fragile ego, my shadow self?

I couldn’t say.

She said, how about speaking to her they way you would to a frightened child?

“I see you, I love you, and you are worthy.”

I see you.

I love you.

You are worthy.

God sees you and loves you and says you are worthy.

Christ sees you and loves you and shows you that you are priceless, worthy of the ultimate sacrifice.

Spirit says I see you, I love you, you are mine.

Sigh.

Hey, you! Sweet little girl in the shadows. I see you.

Come out in the light.

Bless you my sweet little frightened child.

I love you. You are beautiful just the way you are.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

In fact, you are everything.

In fact, if you were the only one lost, I would come looking for you, I would leave everything and everyone else and risk my life to find you.

I see you. I love you. You are worthy.