Paradox

There is a saying that truth is found in paradox and contradiction. I first heard this saying from my sister Teri. She was always wrestling with the darkness as she was longing for light. In fact she wrote about the dance of joy and sorrow in her book Next Bright Thing.

“Be still, and know that joy and sorrow are dance partners

When one leads the other follows

Each knows the steps of the divine being human

Do not attempt to force one to take the lead when it’s the others turn

When the music ends be joyful

You did not miss the dance.”

Teri understood paradox. She understood we cannot comprehend joy without sorrow, sorrow without joy. She was familiar with paradox because she was paradoxical.

My sister, Teri, was 7 years 4 months and 10 days older than me. From my youngest years I remember thinking she was both beautiful and scary. Even as a young child I felt how volatile her emotions were and I learned how to tip toe and tap dance in our relationship. She could sing. She could act. She was gorgeous. I worshiped her. I wanted to be just like her. For some reason she never thought she was beautiful enough. She was Miss Indiana 1980 and in my eyes she was Miss America. Shortly after her reign she didn’t like cameras and started hiding her face whenever pictures were taken.

I do remember she gave really good, thoughtful gifts. We shared a love of all things Fall and Halloween, and of everything related to Christmas.

She also challenged religious norms and rules. She wrestled with her faith and asked hard questions, never settling for trite easy answers. She inspired me to think, which stirred my soul and started my searching for truth beyond conventional thinking. She often called me her “theological sparring partner.”

She caused a lot of heartache in our family, and in me.

I was afraid of her.

I loved her deeply.

She was a complex person and my feelings for her and about her are complex.

There is no duality in my relationship with her.

No either or.

She was both beautiful and ugly, fun and frightening, kind and cruel. She was quite simply a paradox.

We all are to some degree, yet she had a burning intensity. We were estranged for decades.

My sister, Teri Kardatzke Estes has let go of her physical body and mind and I hope she is finally truly at peace and completely immersed in joy! I hope she is laughing with my dad and singing at the top of her lungs with her beautiful voice. She no longer feels fear, rage, or insecurities. She has no need to lash out at anyone. She finally knows herself as beloved, and I have nothing but love in my heart for her.

I forgive you Teri.

Thank you for forgiving me too. I have missed you for a very long time.

I love you always and you will forever be my sister.