Nobody can prepare you for how you’re going to feel when transitions occur. Plenty of us talk about them and may even make plans for handling such changes but there’s no guidebook for how to handle the feelings that arise.
I once had a very noisy house full of boys and all of their friends, with two or more dogs, and I loved it. There were scratches and water spots on tables, spills on carpets, dings and gashes on doors left from rowdy plastic sword fights and thrown toys, and it didn’t matter. At that time I knew one day there would be peace and quiet and I might miss the mayhem. But I had no idea how lonely and depressed I would feel.
Add some aging and dying parents to that and you have a full welcome to your fifties!
I had an epiphany today. My recurring frustration with God has been that They(God) don’t do as good of a job at protecting their kids (us) as I think they should. We’re called to be like little children but then life is positively brutal.
I would never treat my kids like this. Tell them to be open and vulnerable and then allow tornadoes, floods, and predators to randomly attack. I’ve cried so many tears, yelling at God, why? Why do you leave us like this?
So I parented differently.
I played and sang and told stories and encouraged. I baked cookies and kept the house clean with good smells and comforting music. I tried to wrap my kids up in love and safety and joy and family like a cuddly blanket.
But somehow pain entered their hearts anyway. Somehow life hurt them and I was incapable of protecting them from its harsh blows. Today I felt comforted by Mother God, who knew all along I had set myself up for failure. Like a defiant teenager I had declared I could do it better than my Parents.
And I couldn’t.
I did not and could not protect my kids from pain.
And the lesson for me is, pain is the best teacher. We learn more through suffering than we could ever learn through safety. The people I love most on this earth are Mike and my boys, and love wants loved ones to learn and grow.
I guess that means God is right.
Life has to be painful for us to learn and grow…and They weep with us in our pain, They cheer for us in our learning, They love us every second, through it all.
Beloved.
That is my name.
That is your name.
No matter your choices, your scars, your pain, your successes, your joys…
Beloved yesterday, today, tomorrow.
Beloved always.
Seasons of the Soul 