No matter who you are or how great your parents were, at some point you were somehow traumatized or compromised as a child and it still affects how you perceive yourself and the world around you.
From the moment of your birth, there is no escaping trauma in the human life. Birth itself is traumatic for both baby and mama, no matter how many Lamaze classes were attended.
Many of us who grew up in loving homes may even cringe at the word trauma. Just hearing the phrase childhood trauma can send us into nervous laughter, downplaying any negative experiences we had growing up. This comes again from our dualistic, either/or mentality. “If I had a good childhood there can’t be any bad memories” or “my parents loved me so what do I have to complain about.”
My friends, you and I had both good and bad experiences growing up in our families, and one doesn’t negate the other. We can acknowledge the failures and the brokenness as we also acknowledge the triumphs and joy.
This is more painful for me to admit as a mother than as a child. I can readily find the shortcomings of my own parents and still love and admire them, but knowing my own three adult sons are recognizing my parenting flops that actually hurt their inner spirits kills me inside. My heart aches. I wanted to be perfect for them. I remember holding each of them for the very first time and thinking they were clean slates…more perfect than they would ever be again. And I contributed to their lifelong pain…their trauma. It’s enough to send us to therapy…I hope!😊
There is no escaping the human condition. No matter how much we read, study, philosophize, pray, etc. we are making mistakes relationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, as well as physically. Our intentions can be as amazing as Mother Theresa’s and we will still fail those we love, including ourselves. Perfection is not an option. Trauma is inevitable.
So when we finally come to terms with our imperfections what do we do with this awareness? Consciousness, not perfection is the goal. The only way for our trauma to become useful is through recognition, acknowledgement, acceptance, and humility.
Cry cry cry! Cry over your brokenness…when you were five and your dad said to quit crying because tears were for babies, or when you were seven, got lost in the grocery store and thought your parents had forgotten you existed. We laugh about such things now without giving full reverence to the fear and abandonment our child-self experienced. That’s trauma. And these are just two very common examples. Some of you have had some incredibly uncommon ones but have been downplaying them and laughing over them to avoid the grief they deserve.
Authentic adulting is about seeking the truth and accepting it no matter how much it hurts and learning how to heal. Healing is a lifelong process, and I personally think, it’s the reason there is no such thing as perfection. Pain and discomfort force us to grow. Vulnerability teaches us empathy.
As much as I struggle with understanding how a loving God allows such trauma and tragedy to happen, I must reluctantly admit my own personal growth has always happened in the dark times, when I felt uncertain, when I was filled with questions, and faced my own fears. Pain has its purpose in our lives, and it’s a good thing it does because we can’t escape it. It is synonymous with living, and being, and loving, and learning. So the sooner we accept it’s presence from birth on, the sooner we will ask the questions needed for growing and feel the sorrow needed for healing.
As CS Lewis wrote in The Problem of Pain, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
Our trauma is a part of our unique selves. Our experiences and how we’ve learned through them help us reach out to others who are suffering. But we must stop denying the existence of our pain. Your inner child needs your adult self to acknowledge the grief and brokenness within. My inner child needs me to hold her broken heart and cry with her. No matter how old we are, we are God’s beloved children, and our childlike hearts need hope, love, understanding, and grace from ourselves. Be the parent to yourself you wanted as a child. Treat yourself as the “least of these,” the youngest, weakest, most defenseless in our midst, and show yourself the compassion and forgiveness you have never dared to dream of.
Seasons of the Soul 