I have cyclothymia. “A mood disorder that causes emotional highs and lows.The mood shifts in cyclothymia aren’t as extreme as those in people with bipolar disorders. People with cyclothymia can typically function in daily life, though it may be difficult.” Cyclothymia is considered rare, most likely because those that have it are able to function without severe swings or consequences, so we don’t often seek out help. We tend to be creative and theatrical and are often labeled “temperamental artists” which seems to explain away our moodiness in an acceptable manner. I personally have been able to handle my issues through therapy and faith, and with the help of a loving support system of family and friends.
Depending upon my anxiety level and mood, my perspective on life is usually much better or worse than reality. When I’m feeling secure and happy, I feel almost invincible. It’s a euphoric confidence that has me on top of the world, like nothing can stop me from being all I’m meant to be. I tend to laugh and talk too loud, get creative ideas, and exercise a lot. My best moments as a teacher have been during these creative bursts of energy.
On the other end of the spectrum, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to talk myself off of the ledge before spiraling into full on panic. My pulse races my stomach lurches, I feel like I’m going to throw up and faint at the same time…and it’s usually because I’m convinced one of my people…one of my inner circle, has died. I don’t fully calm down until I hear directly from whoever I’ve focused my fears on.
It must be wonderful to just feel balanced. I’m only 53 and I’m exhausted by my inner angst, let alone real life. I’m thankful for my loving and understanding family and friends and for therapy which has helped me identify my tendencies and be conscious of what’s happening to me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
We all have something, some thorn of the flesh as the Apostle Paul called it, some sort of baggage that can either weigh us down or help prepare and guide us on our journey.
I love 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
When we come to terms with who we are…everything that makes us individually us…and become conscious of our strengths and weaknesses, we can truly be all we are called to be. I have cyclothymia, and I am me. It is a part of me but is not my full definition. I once heard a pastor say if we had the opportunity to leave our baggage and pick up someone else’s (like a backpack), most of us would choose to take our own back again. It is familiar and I already know what I’m dealing with. I wouldn’t wish it on another and I have already worked so hard to carry it in a balanced way, so much that it has helped me grow and learn along the path of life. Though sometimes I do wonder what it feels like to not feel so deeply that I think I might fall into the dark abyss of my own moods and emotions. But I do believe the saying that the grass is always greener…so I won’t wish for things I know nothing about. I will continue to walk the path I am on and be thankful for those who choose to walk alongside.
Seasons of the Soul 