Did You Get the Memo??

To those who read my musings, thank you! I ramble, I sometimes go down crazy rabbit holes of thought, and I probably often come across as self-focused, because let’s face it, I am. I used to think I couldn’t possibly be self-absorbed because I’m much too insecure and self-deprecating but now I realize insecurity actually breeds self-absorption. If I’m constantly thinking I’m not good enough and I don’t measure up, who am I focusing on?? ME! Though most of my contemplation is bent on self-improvement, the word self is still half the phrase. So in my nature of self-analysis, here I go again! 😆😩🤪

I’ve had an epiphany of sorts recently about my biggest vice. I don’t think I’ve ever truly called it what it is. I’ve downplayed the seriousness, the gravity, the severity of its presence. I’ve called it other “nicer” more palatable names such as insecurity, negativity, and frustration, but the real title of my most innate and carnal sin is pure, unfiltered envy.

Even as a child I remember feeling out of place, like I was behind a beat, out of sync, almost like I’d “missed the memo”. Frequent lifetime inner monologue: “My God what did the memo say? Why didn’t anyone send it to me?? What am I supposed to be doing right now??” Since I’ve never seen the actual slip of paper I can’t be certain of its message but I’m pretty sure it describes in detail how to act, how to be, how to communicate, how to have confidence, how to be “in the know”, basically how to make the most of your abilities and succeed in the world!

Why didn’t I get the memo?

I’ve spent a lifetime pretending like I know what I’m doing, like I deserve to be seen and heard, all the while silently screaming “Don’t see me! Don’t look! Don’t hear me! Don’t listen!” And then wondering why I feel invisible and unimportant. This feeling of inadequacy and insecurity festers and becomes pure concentrated envy of those who seem to have gotten the memo. I can’t even count how many times I’ve whined and cried to God over how invisible I am and how frustrated I feel, like I’m locked in a sound proof steel box singing and writing for no one to hear. How do other people get seen and heard? Why do they have the drive, the gumption, the ego, the nerve, the stamina, the consistency, the confidence…where can I get some of that???

Envy…the color associated is green…though green can also portray a healthy life. To be “green with envy” presents a sickness to the point of nausea. Oh how I wish I was in the know, one of the chosen few, sometimes I even feel jealous of narcissists!!! I’ve actually had the thought, “ It must feel really good to think you’re the center of the universe.” Wow…the truth can be ugly.

Why am I admitting this after all of these years? Because I’ve just recently come to terms with it. I always thought God had forgotten about me. For some reason I was supposed to get the memo but it never made it to my desk. Truth is, I’m afraid to read it. I think I’ve had it in my hands a few times and crumpled it or dropped it, maybe shoved it in a drawer, thinking it was meant for someone else.

Hilarious! We really are our own worst enemies! We sabotage our greatest hopes and dreams because we don’t believe we’re good enough. Yet God says “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”Isaiah 43:1 and “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11 and ““Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”Isaiah 43:18-19

Thank you my dear readers for giving your precious time to my rants and musings. I leave you today with a prayer, self-focused though it may be…😩

“Oh God, forgive my self-focus, my self-doubt, my self. Thank You for Your hope, Your Grace, Your love, Your redemption. Help me to set my eyes on You and Your purpose alone and to quit comparing myself to your other children. Help me to believe in You and what You can do through me as much as You believe in me.”