As I Am

I have been alone for the first time I can remember, for the past 42 hours. I haven’t even seen another person, or had a dog to take care of and cuddle, and I was nervous to have this experience, but I must say it has really been wonderful. To have no responsibilities, no responses, just to be. I have been praying out loud a lot, sitting on the porch looking out at the glistening lake, conversing with my dearest friend, confidant, mentor, my God. I’ve realized how I avoid this in my day to day existence because every time I pray I cry, and who wants to cry all the time? How can I, just me, be in the presence of the almighty God and not cry?? It’s not possible! My tears are of gratitude, reverence, relief, and of course grief. I spill my heart out and feel heard, accepted, loved.

I’ve finished three books, written a song for my second graders, cleaned the whole house, gone on walks, enjoyed listening to the birds, watched a chipmunk collect things and a very large woodchuck investigate the deck. I can be alone, it’s good to truly have time to just be. I’m such an extrovert that I am always interacting and relating to others, dogs included! I seriously didn’t know what it would feel like to be alone for more than a few hours. It’s good. The main thought I keep telling myself is “There are no supposed to’s. If you want to pray, pray. If you want to read, read. Don’t do anything because it’s what you think you should do.” This is much harder than it sounds. Even as I was unplugging from my usual world, I began making new rules for myself. “You should spend this time in complete solitude and prayer…you should treat this time as a vow of silence and discipline.” When I realized I was making myself feel tense and uncomfortable I knew I was wrong. As I’ve prayed, God has given me the gift of acceptance as I am. I have tried to only do what I want in every moment. I listened to two sermons, one on Abigail the peacemaker, King David’s first wife, and the other on the crucifixion of Christ. Both were equally lovely and gave me new thought. I had more confirmation through the books I’ve read, the sermons I’ve listened to, and especially my prayer time, that “God so loves the world.” As is…God loves, God grieves, God gives. Jesus died for the whole world, whether the world knows it or not. Atonement is for all. Forgiveness is beautiful but is not enough. Forgiveness does not undo what has been done…it does not fix the pain or the past. Atonement transforms…it makes all that is wrong right again. Christ’s blood has undone Adam’s sin. Unfortunately we Christians really struggle with the comprehension of this amazing gift and continue to exhaust ourselves striving to be perfect and to atone for ourselves. We miss the beauty of salvation.

I can say as I’ve been sitting here on the porch with my glass of wine raised to my God of redemption, I have felt freedom and joy in my being. Knowing my humanness has not left me, I will feel the burden of perfection again and will need to be reminded I am free in Christ…I am loved, accepted and celebrated by God AS I AM…and so are you.